Dusten Carlson

Back in late August, MTV’s Catfish introduced the world to Justin Voel-Pel, a sweaty, eccentric online dating vigilante who took it upon himself to teach the episode’s subject, Artis, a lesson about fidelity. You had to hand it to him, it was a pretty clever angle. Justin hid behind “Jess,” a flirty fraulein who was […]

A step-by-step analysis of Miley Cyrus’ MTV VMAs performance will show that she is possessed by a sex demon that she had relations with, and that she probably sold her soul to the devil. In other news, yes, people are still analyzing that performance and unintentionally increasing Miley Cyrus’ public profile. Religious broadcaster Rick Wiles […]

Orson Scott Card doesn’t think that a boycott of Ender’s Game will yield the desired effect for critics of his anti-gay views. Card has long been openly critical of same-sex sexual relations and of same-sex marriage, and has even written several articles on the subject. As far back as 1990, he called for anti-sodomy laws […]

Televangelist Joel Osteen made a completely unintentional (and hilarious) masturbation joke on Twitter yesterday. I guess you could say that he’s just so pure of heart that he didn’t know a masturbation joke even as it came out of him. The megachurch pastor, best-selling author and adherent to the controversial “profit theology” said, and I […]

Chicago, IL – We probably shouldn’t have to say “don’t go around shooting people with a paintball gun in one of the most violent cities in America,” but here we go. Don’t go around shooting people with a paintball gun in one of the most violent cities in America. That slice of free advice comes […]

Orlando, Florida – The city where unarmed teenager Trayvon Martin was shot and killed by neighborhood watch volunteer George Zimmerman has decided to ban guns for civilian patrols in an effort to reduce the likelihood of such a tragedy ever happening again. The new rules, which will be released during a Sanford community meeting on […]

Caracas, Venezuela – We’ve detailed here and here why Hugo Chavez’s successor Nicolas Maduro, at the very least, has a funny way of saying things. But now he might also be seeing things and, well, that worries us. Maduro, whose obsession with his predecessor Chavez seemingly knows no limit, said that the 58-year-old Venezuelan leader […]

Sometimes that obsessive cultural need we have to document everything we see takes a dark turn. To wit, Houston police say that there could be hundreds of people with photos of a dead homeless man on their phones right now, and not a single one of them called for help. The dead homeless man was […]

Rumor has it that Heidi Montag is in the market for an 11th plastic surgery, but this time it’s to undo some of the damage from the previous 10. The Hills star is looking for a breast reduction which would bring her bust down to a D. Currently, she’s an F. Did you even know […]

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones appear to have reconciled after they announced in August that they were splitting up. Seems like when they said “we just need a break for a bit” they meant it. At the premiere of his new movie Last Vegas, Douglas was spotted wearing his wedding ring despite being on […]

Celebrity curmudgeon Simon Cowell is getting all sorts of backlash after he was photographed smoking next to his pregnant girlfriend in the back of a car. The 54-year-old TV mogul was spotted smoking in close quarters of Lauren Silverman over the past several weeks. In one instance, he was caught lighting up mere inches from […]

Candy isn’t selling so well lately. It’s not because of some cultural epiphany, perhaps based on the efforts of First Lady Michelle Obama, that America has a bit of an obesity problem and needs to reach for a celery stalk once in a while. No, it’s because it’s just not candy weather. Because of global […]

Robert Downey Jr. is successful, grounded, sober, happily married, and a real drag, says one of his former directors. In an interview with HuffPost Live, director James Toback, who made three films with Downey Jr. between 1987 and 1999, said that 48-year-old actor’s stellar career comeback and new-found sobriety are not what they seem, and […]

Franklin County, TN – A 65-year-old man is facing multiple charges after using a shotgun to shoot a 15-year-old boy he spotted TP-ing a neighbors home. Dale Bryant Farris is free on a $125,000 bond after shooting at several teens who were spreading toilet paper around the lawn of Huntland School Principal Ken Bishop on […]

Congresswoman Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) said Thursday that if President Obama is invited to make crucial decisions about what healthcare plan you’re allowed to choose, there’s nothing stopping him from deciding you can’t use red Solo cups. Or something. At a House Energy and Commerce Committee on Wednesday, Blackburn charged Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen […]

This woman really didn’t want to see her neighborhood on the six o’clock news. Camerawoman Danielle Gill and reporter Bruce Johnson of Washington D.C.’s WUSA9 were standing on a sidewalk outside of a home that had been invaded the night before to do a report. It was an interesting story. Apparently, the Southeast D.C.home was […]

Women with a large posterior (or “dat booty” in layman’s terms) might be smarter and healthier than their skinny-thighed counterparts. This certain-to-please news comes from researchers at the University of Oxford and Churchill Hospital in the United Kingdom. Basically, scientists who have been thinking about butts for a while determined that people who carry more […]

George Zimmerman allegedly sent his estranged wife, Shellie, a message recently. It was… a little threatening. Let’s put it this way, we don’t think he’s looking to reconcile. Zimmerman and Shellie split shortly after the neighborhood watch volunteer was controversially acquitted in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin. Since the acquittal, Zimmerman has popped up […]

There seem to be a lot of people going as “racists” this Halloween. A post spotted by WTKR in the “Rants and Raves” section of Craigslist starts strong, admonishing “overage” trick or treaters albiet with some questionable legal support: “Reminder: Overage Trick Or Treaters Stay Out! (Larchmont-Edgewater) “We hate seeing kids older than twelve going […]

Skokie, IL – A police officer has been officially charged with aggravated battery and official misconduct after shocking surveillance footage showed that he apparently pushed a female inmate into a bench, breaking several bones in her face. Officer Michael Hart, 43, was placed on administrative leave on Wednesday while the authorities continue to investigate. “I […]

A 45-year-old man died after trying to catch a ride on top of a New York City subway car Wednesday. He was apparently trying to “subway surf,” and authorities say that he was high on synthetic marijuana. The man hit his head on a beam overhead as the train pulled into the station on Wednesday […]

Hey, what happened to that kid who played Derek in Full House? After coming out of the closet three years ago, he decided to become a male go-go dancer. Though his former co-stars the Olsen twins went on to become international superstars, Blake McIver, who played Michelle Tanner’s semi-antagonistic playpal Derek in the classic ’90s […]

One New York couple happily lives in a neighborhood of about 70,000 people, and not a single one ever has to borrow a cup of sugar. That might have something to do with the fact that they’re all dead. Bob Moschetto and his wife Ellen live in a cemetery with their Shih Tzu, two cats, […]

Two parents are facing 10 years in prison for child abuse and endangering a minor after a mechanic discovered that their baby girl shaking, feverish, and covered in excrement in the trunk of their car. Investigators in France say that mechanics doing routine repairs on a vehicle noticed “strange noises that sounded like moans” coming […]

What the NSA expects to get out of spying on phone calls in and out of the Vatican is hard to say, but a new report claims that they were listening in just in case. The Italian magazine Panorama claims that the National Security Agency monitored electronic communications inside of the Vatican prior to the […]

What’s wrong with Obamacare? Yeah, it’s a loaded question, but for celebrity liberal, atheist and provocateur Bill Maher, the answer is simple: President Obama lied about it. Last night, the HBO host joined Piers Morgan to talk about the Affordable Care Act, the problems with the website’s rollout, and conflicting reports over how well the […]

Residents of Centralia, Pennsylvania have beaten condemnation proceedings that started in 1993, and will be allowed to retain ownership of their properties and stay in the area for the rest of their lives, if they wish. A mine fire began to spread underneath the town decades ago, causing most of its residents to flee for […]

Hammond, IN – A bronze statue dedicated to the iconic “triple dog dare” from the beloved holiday classic A Christmas Story has been unveiled in an Indiana town, and it’s no coincidence that it’s there. The statue, which depicts the character Flick pinning his tongue to a flag pole, was unveiled Tuesday. The actor who […]

Bismarck, ND – Police are looking for a suspect who broke into a woman’s house, made himself a plate of bacon, drank some beers, and just left. Police will never find this suspect, because it could be anyone. KX News reports that a 30-year-old Bismarck woman claims that someone broke into her Tatley Meadows house […]

Pundits Glenn Beck and Lawrence O’Donnell really don’t have anything in common, other than the fact that they’re both friends with entertainer and libertarian atheist Penn Jillette. But that friendship is apparently enough to get them both in a movie that Jillette is working on. Jillette is crowd-funding a horror movie called Director’s Cut, which […]

An off-duty pilot is accused of groping the buttocks of a sleeping 14-year-old girl who was seated next to him while traveling on a Delta Air flight Saturday. Jezebel reports that Michael James Pascal, 45, was named as the off-duty pilot in a felony complaint filed in U.S. District Court in Salt Lake City, Utah. […]

Halloween is upon us, meaning that tons of terrifying, costumed children hopped up on candy are about to descend on your doorstep and terrorize your home, ominously chanting “Trick or treat! Trick or treat!” Sounds a bit over-dramatic, no? But a recent poll shows that one in six households feels exactly that way about Halloween’s […]

Megan and Grace Phelps-Roper are still trying to start anew nearly a year after leaving Westboro Baptist Church. In a recent interview with a Canadian newspaper, they admitted that they hurt a lot of people and that they now feel enormous empathy for the victims of their vitriolic hate speech. The Phelps-Roper granddaughters are currently […]

It’s been about a week since Pope Francis brought the hammer down on Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst, the so-called “Bishop of Bling,” for his exorbitant lifestyle. But the question remains: What’s to become of the Bishop’s official residence, for which he is alleged to have spent over 31 million euros in renovations? It looks like they’ll […]

Nashville, TN – A small, single-engine Cessna crashed on a runway at Nashville International Airport early Tuesday, but no one seemed to notice until the next morning. Authorities are currently investigating what caused the plane to crash, killing its sole occupant, and how the scene went unnoticed for several hours, reports CNN. Authorities aren’t even […]

Viera, FL – Officials of a gun rights advocacy group in Florida have decided to remove a 9mm semi-automatic handgun from their raffle after attention was brought to the fact that it’s the very same model handgun George Zimmerman used to kill Trayvon Martin. The Gun Rights Preservation Forum had intended to raffle off a […]

Beautiful, isn’t she? The unknown model who graces the homepage of HeathCare.gov is now gone, and though we might never learn who the heck she was, many observers are still itching to find out. Nevermind all of the technical problems with the health exchanges website (who can keep up anyway). The question on everyone’s mind […]

Most of the time, celebrities throw themselves lavish wedding ceremonies, the cost of which eclipses the lifetime income of your average American. Not Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell, though. Their wedding only cost them $142. That includes gas. The Parenthood star visited “Jimmy Kimmel Live” this week to talk about his recent nuptials, which took […]

Sean Penn may have made nice with Kid Rock in 2012, but he’s still no fan of conservatism, especially the brand embraced by so-called “Tea Party Republicans” in Congress. In an interview with Piers Morgan on Monday, Penn said that the Tea Party is to blame for nearly all of the country’s problems, particularly the […]

Kim Kardashian revealed in a recent interview that after she marries Kanye West, she’ll take his last name and become “Kim Kardashian West.” “I will,” she told E! News of taking Kanye’s last name, adding that she’s planning on the Hillary Rodham Clinton model of absorbing her maiden name into her middle name. The New […]

Akron, OH – A high school music teacher has been placed on administrative leave after posting a racist rant on his Facebook page criticizing the “ghetto” trick-or-treaters that flood his neighborhood every Halloween. “I don’t mind if you come from the ghetto to trick or treat,” David Spondike’s post read. “But when you whip out […]

Brooklyn, NY – A Muslim boy who was kicked off a bus two years ago is now suing the driver and New York’s Metropolitan Transit Authority for discrimination. According to the lawsuit, the boy boarded the bus and was searching for his Metro Card when he spoke a brief Muslim prayer to help him find […]

It’s looks like millions will be losing their health insurance after all, an apparent violation of the oft-touted “if you like your plan, you can keep your plan, period” promise made by President Obama in the early days of the Affordable Care Act. So how hard is the Obama administration doing damage control after the […]

And you thought Don Yelton was bad. Jim Wheeler, a state assemblyman from Nevada and self-styled “Tea Party Republican,” said that he’d bring back slavery if it’s what his constituents wanted. “If that’s what they wanted, I’d have to hold my nose, I’d have to bite my tongue and they’d probably have to hold a […]

During a recent stump speech, Senator Rand Paul used the 1997 science fiction film Gattaca to make a point about reproductive choice, and that would have been weird enough if he hadn’t lifted chunks of his speech directly from the Wikipedia entry about the movie. Paul appeared at Liberty College to give a boost to […]

It’s a question you’ve probably heard a lot no matter what side of the issue you’re on. What exactly did we get out of Iraq? Fox News pundit Bill O’Reilly put the question directly to the man who is at least second-most responsible for our presence there: Former Vice President Dick Cheney. O’Reilly sat down […]

Phoenix, AZ – Sheriff Joe Arpaio wants to get his hands on some drones. The controversial Maricopa County sheriff told ABC15 that he’s looking for a couple of unmanned (and unarmed) drones to help him keep an eye on his turf, but admitted that getting them will be difficult. “I want two of these drones, […]

The creators of House of Cards might think Season 2 will be the end for them, but Netflix bosses are interested in keeping the show on for a lot longer than that. Rick Cleveland, an executive producer on the Netflix original, stunned the show’s fans when he said that the upcoming Season 2 would likely […]

Oklahoma City, OK – You will not believe what a “homosexual demon” allegedly put 22-year-old Jeremy Jarnell Anderson through last week. The Oklahoma City man trashed his apartment, set his Bible on fire, ripped a door off its hinges, poured salt and soap all over his body, did something to injure his hands and face […]

Stafford, TX – Criminal suspects shot Sgt. Ann Marie Carrizales twice (once in the face) to slow her down, but all they did was make her angry. Carrizales has many plaudits on her record including former marine, amateur boxer, mother of two, and onetime Police Officer of the Year. Now she can add “chased down […]