James Bond Is An Alcoholic, Medical Study Declares

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James Bond, the British secret agent character created by the late novelist Ian Fleming, has been fighting bad guys and enjoying time with the ladies on screen since 1962. But 007 is also known for another thing: Lots and lots of drinking. Sure, Bond is famous for ordering his martinis “shaken, not stirred,” but that’s far from the only thing Mr. Bond has been known to drink.

In fact, a new study out of Australia says that 007 probably drinks way too much. According to the findings from the University of Otago, which were published in the Medical Journal of Australia, Bond “showed a consistent pattern of heavy drinking in all 24 movies over six decades.” The study, titled “License to Swill,” adds that 007 engaged in “hazardous activities” after drinking, including “fights, vehicle chases, contact with dangerous animals, and sex with enemies, sometimes with guns or knives in the bed.”

The study goes on to cite other Bond dysfunctions that have been pointed out by other researchers over the years, from smoking to violence to compulsive sexual behavior. But in examining Bond’s drinking, the study concludes that the secret agent should “urgently seek professional help for his drinking,” and that M, his boss, should provide a more supportive work environment. The study also shares specific examples from the James Bond movies of alcohol overuse, and recommends that Bond “should avoid drinking with sexual partners who may want to disable, capture or kill him, as 9 of 60 (15%) have attempted to do so in the past.”

In 007’s defense, he would appear to be a rather high-functioning alcoholic. Bond’s drinking, however plentiful, does not appear to adversely affect his ability to spy, fight, outwit, or perform sexually. No matter which actor is playing him, Mr. Bond is always in top physical shape. And despite the drinking, as well as various international supervillains spending the better part of the last 60 years trying to kill him, Bond is still alive.

The study was likely submitted at least partly in jest, as according to the Sydney Morning Herald, it was part of the medical journal’s Christmas competition, in which academics are invited to share “quirky pieces of research.” The study is listed as the competition’s “co-winner.”

In another example of Bond’s well-established proclivities being used for humor, a Saturday Night Live sketch from 1999 featured Bond in a doctor’s office, where 007 is informed that he has tested positive for over 100 venereal diseases.