My dear readers, we face a critical moment in our nation’s history. We now run the risk of a radioactive monstrosity being placed in the most powerful political position in the world. This is the single most important election of all time. You must make sure that you get out to the polls and vote An Epidemic of Brain-Eating Bacteria for President of the United States.
I understand that not everyone is excited about these two choices. Some of you may be considering staying home on November 8th or voting for a third-party candidate like Jill Stein or Gary Johnson. You must resist this temptation at all cost! While you may feel that a third-party candidate better represents your personal values, such as military non-interventionism or not having your brain devoured by bacteria while you scream and die a slow, horrific death, now is not the time for a protest vote. A vote for a third party is a vote for Nuclear Tentacle Beast.