Donald Trump and The Walking Dead. Both hugely popular works of fiction. Both horrifically gruesome. And both strangely captivating. So would it not be a thing of joy to combine the two cultural juggernauts and give the Trumpster a walk-on cameo in Season 7 of the nation’s favorite zombie soap-opera?
Think about it. A “Walking Donald” makes perfect sense. If ever there was a man who was born to rule the roost in a post-apocalyptic world where the undead roam, governed solely by appetite and devoid of all conscious thought, it’s big, bad Don.
Like John Wayne before him, if indeed the Duke had a slightly orange hue, a disturbing hairstyle, a fey voice and carried an unsettling air of flatulence about his person, Trump has the sort of character and presence that would translate well onto the small screen.
And what better world for a man like Trump to operate and be successful in, than one ravaged by flesh-eating beasts and tribes of battle-hardened and weary survivors who threw away anything resembling a moral compass a long time ago.
The Walking Dead is made for Trump, and the man who would be President is made for The Walking Dead.
In a brutal environment where survival of the fittest is the only religion that counts, a strong leader with an even stronger hand must hold sway. The good of the community depends upon it.
Think how Rick Grimes evolved from a man of firm moral fiber, who was willing to give anyone the benefit of the doubt, into a cold-blooded killer who would butcher sleeping men because it’s “how we stay safe.”
Trump makes no secret that he believes in looking after his own, and outsiders are to be viewed with suspicion and heavily vetted before they’re allowed to become part of “the group.” An ethos with which Rick would no doubt agree.
For a man who’s making an all-out bid to become President, Trump seemingly has a healthy contempt for the government. So he’d fit extremely well into the political landscape of The Walking Dead where local rule is the only rule. Think how ineffectual a character such as Deanna Monroe was when it came to protecting the tribe from the bloodthirsty zombies trying to scale Alexandria’s walls.
Talking of walls, from the prison to Woodbury to Terminus to Alexandria, the Walking Dead is full of walls — no doubt Donald would feel right at home.
Most importantly, for someone as trigger-happy as Trump, you need guns and plenty of them if you’re to last five minutes in a world inhabited by the living dead. “You don’t kill, you die” is something one could easily imagine tattooed on Trump’s buttocks.
Talking of quotes, try these for size.
“If someone hits us with a nuke you wouldn’t fight back with a nuke?”
“Sometimes by losing a battle you find a new way to win the war.”
“What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to each new twist of fate.”
“You smell the gunpowder and you see the blood… It means you’re alive. It means you won.”
With the exception of the last one, these little pearls of wisdom have been spat forth from the mouth of Trump. The last one is of course by the Governor from The Walking Dead, but it does prove quite succinctly how much of Trump’s mentality is akin to a person who is in a constant state of war with a zombie nation.
Now that we’ve established Trump’s suitability to adapt and prosper in a world that’s slid into the abyss of no return, here’s the rub. How could the show’s producers write in a role for Trump that would do justice to the great statesman?
Well, without wishing to sound presumptuous, may I be as bold to suggest the following synopsis?
And before anyone gets prissy, bear in mind two words, “artistic” and “license.”
Season 7 of The Walking Dead opens with smooth-talking sociopath Negan transforming Rick and his buddies’ world into an even darker and bloodier place, courtesy of his trusty baseball bat, Lucille.
After Negan and the Saviors break the collective spirit of Rick’s group and turn them into slaves, all looks lost, but for the arrival of a mysterious woman on horseback called Clint the kid and her group of black-robed warriors called the “Demi-Gods.”
This new group on the scene easily overpower the Saviors through the power of positive chanting and AK47s, and Clint the kid then gouges out Negan’s eye with a rusty spoon and leaves him to bleed to death. It’s a new low in gratuitous violence for The Walking Dead, but one which perfectly encapsulates the take no prisoners mentality of the one they call Clint the kid.
Unfortunately for Rick, Clint the kid and the Demi-Gods are also cannibals who plan to eat everyone in their vicinity in a special celebratory feast. That is until Donald’s Trump character shows up and throws shade on their party.
Going by the name of Peachy Rump, but affectionately known as “The President” by his all-male group called the “Band of Brothers.” Peachy and the boys arrive on the scene dressed like something out of Spartacus.
With his cheeks crimson with rage and his pot-belly quivering, The President slaughters Clint the kid and every single last Demi-God with his mighty broadsword known as Excalibur.
Dripping from head to toe with the blood of his enemies, Peachy lets out an ungodly roar and points at Rick and the rest of the group, and snarls, “You’re either with me or against me.”
With the fire of what looks like a man-crush blazing in his eyes, Daryl Dixon is the first to kneel before Peachy and declare his allegiance to The President. He is soon followed by the rest of the group. Finally, it’s Rick’s turn to swear a blood oath to their new savior.
Staring Peachy hard in the eye, Rick asks, “Do you swear to protect us, always, and without prejudice.” To which Trump’s character replies solemnly, “I do.”
A slow smile finally cracks on Rick’s face, and he appears to be weeping when he said, “Finally, a great man, far greater than I to lead us to pastures new. I hoped and I prayed for you, but I never believed, until now.”
With customary smugness, Trump’s character looks around with a satisfied gloat, before shouting, “The bad days are over people. Now the first thing we’re going to do is build a wall. A mighty big wall that our enemies cannot infiltrate. And the best bit? We’re going to get those damned zombies to build it for us.”
As the gathered assembled break into hysterical applause, everything goes black and we cut to a scene of Rick waking up. He and the rest of the group are still Negan’s prisoner, and it slowly dawns on him that Clint the kid and Peachy were but a dream, or perhaps some terrible nightmare.
[Featured Image by George Frey/Getty Images]