May 8, 2016
To The Homophobes Boycotting Target's Transgender Bathroom Policy

In the most recent manufactured controversy surrounding those obsessed with controlling what bathrooms people can use, the American Family Association, a fundamentalist Christian group classified as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center, has garnered more than 500,000 signatures of those who say they're going to boycott Target for allowing transgender people to use the restroom that fits their actual gender. And just to clarify, "actual gender" is defined here as the gender that they say they are, given that they have the most first-hand information on their identity.

The following is straight from the boycott pledge.

"Target's store policy endangers women and children by allowing men to frequent women's facilities. Until Target makes the safety of women and children a priority, I will shop elsewhere."

Let me give you all a little hint here. No one, and I mean no one, is buying into this nonsense that allowing transgender people to use the bathroom of their choice is a safety risk to anyone. We all know transgender males to females have been using the "Ladies' Room" for decades, and there is absolutely no evidence that transgender people are a threat in public restrooms, because if they were, you could cite "binders full" of cases of transgender predators preying on women and children.

Caitlyn Jenner
Caitlyn Jenner [Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images]

There is also the argument that allowing transgender men who identify as women and enter the women's restroom would allow male predators to dress in drag and also enter the women's restrooms. Once again, this could have happened at any point in history, and there is absolutely no proof that there's any safety threat from allowing transgender people to pee where they want, to put it rather bluntly.

However, by creating legislation and paranoia, where every conservative busybody feels the need to monitor restrooms and others' genders, those who look gender ambiguous are going to run into all kinds of problems, and we've already seen a few cases cropping up of police questioning people's choice of restrooms. What's next? Having restroom bouncers who check your ID before you enter or having police look at your genitals to confirm your biological sex? If someone was born a man who can pass as a woman, forcing that person to use a men's restroom is a much greater threat to their safety than to anyone else using either gender restroom.

This all basically distils down to some simple advice for those of you so worried about bathroom predators: You need to mind your own business and get over it, because it's been going on for decades without a problem until you decided to make it one. But if you really insist on martyring yourself for the cause in Jesus' name and getting on your high and mighty soapbox to continue this ridiculous boycott against Target, there are some other companies you need to boycott as well because of their nondiscriminatory policies.

I know, I know, those pesky civil rights rules and the bleeding heart liberals that are determined to follow them. Sheesh.

According to the Daily Beast, 407 businesses made a perfect score on the Corporate Equality Index for their treatment of LGBT employees and the LGBT community in general. You can't get a perfect score if you have any anti-discrimination policies related to gender identity, so any kind of restroom regulation or ban would prevent a perfect score, right? So if you patronize any of these businesses, you'll be supporting bathroom and equal rights in general for LGBT people to perform human bodily functions at will where and when they want, which would surely result in anarchy and armageddon.

I hope you don't bank at Wells Fargo, Citibank, or Bank of America, because you need to move all of your accounts to another bank. And as far as the rest of your finances, when it comes to all of those great credit cards, I hate to break the news to you that MasterCard, Visa, American Express, and even Discover, the redheaded stepchild of credit cards, have perfect ratings. So whenever you use your credit card to make purchases, you're supporting equal rights for the transgender community.

LGBT rights
[Photo by George Frey/Getty Images]

Obviously, you've already decided to shop elsewhere for clothing than Target, but make sure you don't spend any of your hard-earned cash — and I do mean cash as your credit cards can't be used anymore in good conscience — at JCPenney, Abercrombie & Fitch, American Eagle Outfitters, Nordstrom, Gap, Macy's, and Sears. Oh, and if you love the fabulous organization tools and bargain-priced furniture and decor at IKEA, sorry, but you need to boycott them, too, as well as Home Depot and Whirlpool appliances. And let's hope you don't get your prescriptions at Walgreens or CVS, because they also had a perfect score for supporting LGBT rights. Whatever pharmacy you do use, don't even think about medications from Pfizer, Bayer, Merck, Eli Lilly, or Johnson & Johnson (there goes your baby powder, too.)

Get rid of your Mac computers and iPhones, because that crazy Steve Jobs created a culture at Apple that treats everyone as human beings. You also need to be particularly selective about your food and drink choices, because Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Anheuser-Busch, McDonald's, Kellogg, Kraft, General Mills, and grocery store Kroger all support LGBT rights. So no more Big Macs, Mountain Dew, or Cheerios, and this Bud is definitely not for you. Don't even think about a triple espresso latte with skim milk foam from Starbucks. You'll want to stick with Dole, Cracker Barrel, and H.E. Butt Grocery Co. (Yes, it's really a company.)

You also may find it a little hard to get around, because most of the major car companies aced the CEI, including Ford, GM, Nissan, Toyota, and Volkswagen. Booking flights might get a little more complicated and expensive for you as well, because you must avoid Southwest, United Airlines, American Airlines, JetBlue, and Alaska Airlines at all costs. In fact, you need to ask what kind of plane the airline uses, because Boeing also got a perfect score on the CEI. But it's just as well since you can't stay at a Marriott, Hilton, or Hyatt hotel, anyway.

But hey, don't worry, you can do plenty of stuff online and at home, right? Well, except make sure if you're watching a movie, it's not by Disney, Universal, Sony, Paramount, or Warner Bros. In fact, forget about most of your TV service since probably just about all of you either use DirecTV, AT&T, Comcast, or Time Warner, who all had perfect scores on CEI. Oh, all those crazy liberal businesses that support LGBT rights -- who knew?

So stand up for your religious freedom and your beliefs by sitting at home, alone, in the dark, with no TV and Internet. More time for prayer, right?

Trust me: If there's one thing we can all agree on, it is that you'll be making the world a better place. At least better for the rest of us, who will happily be able to shop, dine, and poop where we want without you bothering all of us sensible straight folks and the LGBT community alike.

[Photo by Brendan Smialowski/Getty Images]