Survey Results: Americans Find News ‘No Longer Interesting’

In a recent survey of Americans, it was discovered that 95 percent of respondents found real news “no longer interesting.” In fact, 75 percent of those polled could not name a news story that did not involve either Donald Trump or a reality TV star.

To further illustrate Americans’ disdain for “no longer interesting” news, the results of the questionnaire included in the survey revealed, according to the majority of the nation’s residents, today’s most important topics are Maria Menounos’ engagement and finding Biggie Smalls’ murderer. Both topics were identified by those polled as “interesting” and of “global importance.” The small percentage of Americans who could name current headlines from outside of Hollywood did so grudgingly because, as mentioned above, real news is simply “no longer interesting.”

The “no longer interesting” headlines Americans could remember included Obama’s decision to attend SXSW instead of Nancy Reagan’s funeral and Janoris Jenkins’ new $12 million contract with the New York Giants. When the respondents were informed that these headlines were not actually important news – even though, yes, sports are included in newscasts – they found the news even less interesting. Most responded by googling the Kardashians or looking at cat videos.

Of those who responded to the survey, most reported they only did so because, in an interesting twist, a Facebook friend told them failing to complete it would result in seven years of bad luck. When they were asked if they thought Facebook had special powers, they were reluctant to either confirm or deny due to fear of the social media gods. Incidentally, karma was named as one of those gods, while others believed karma was the name of that other “no longer relevant Republican.”

Post-polling research found the majority of Americans share in the feeling that real news is “no longer interesting.” According to Google Trends, the top trending searches for today are indeed focused solely on entertainment. Neither political nor global topics made the top 20 most-interesting stories. In fact, the only real news story to make the cut is about the devastating explosion that occurred in Seattle on Wednesday morning. According to NBC News, Seattle firefighters responded to a report of a gas leak, and an explosion occurred about an hour later, injuring nine of the first responders. Those asked about the topic – who, by the way, claim to no longer care about it – admitted it was interesting only because “explosions are cool.”

Oddly enough, many of the Americans questioned believed themselves to be both well-informed and capable of having interesting intellectual conversations. Most rated their level of knowledge, especially of the current presidential election, as “extremely high.” However, when asked to explain the TPP, only one in 20 correctly recognized it as the Trans-Pacific Partnership, while most believed it to be a new, shortened name for the Pittsburgh Pirates, which is not considered very interesting currently, as opening day is not until April and the story of the flying bat from the team’s spring training game is over 24 hours old, making it no longer interesting or relevant.

Researchers, recognizing the TPP question as one of the “no longer interesting” topics, asked respondents to name one goal of each presidential candidate. For Donald Trump, the most-given answer was “make Mexico build a wall.” Most of those polled were not sure what the other candidates’ goals were, but many were certain that Bernie Sanders is a socialist. They were also certain that being a socialist was the same as being a communist, so they voiced concern that, if elected, he might build an iron curtain around the United States. In the always-optimistic American way, many saw an interesting upside: if he used iron from American manufacturers, it would put people to work, and if the curtain was solid, it might keep the Mexicans out.

After the survey was completed and the results were carefully examined, it was confirmed that Americans have definitely decided that real news is “no longer interesting.” As a result of the lack of interesting real news stories, most major news agencies are expected to alter their platforms to eliminate news that no longer appeals to the public. Rumors abound concerning the change in direction, with whispers that Caitlyn Jenner may replace a Big Three news anchor, which will enable network television to gain access to more Kardashian news, allowing the network to fill time previously allotted to news Americans no longer find interesting.

By replacing the news Americans find no longer interesting with trivial news and completely nonfactual accounts, much like this completely made-up survey, national media will be able to further the dumbing down of the population and ensure well-informed Americans remain an insignificant percentage of the country’s voters. With a population who finds only celebrity stories and cat videos interesting, big business and celebrity politicians will no longer have to hide the truth about the direction in which the country is headed, because voters will be too busy reading about really interesting topics.

[Photo by Steve Cannon/AP Images]