Ed Sheeran Beware, Noel Gallagher’s Got ‘Blood On His Hands And F**king Champagne In The Bath’
After declaring that he could not live in a world where it is possible for Ed Sheeran to headline Wembley Stadium, aging rocker Noel Gallagher has escalated the situation by acting like Tony Montana on steroids and warning his enemies that he’s got “blood on his hands and f**king champagne in the bath.”
What this bizarre statement means is anybody’s guess, but is it some sort of veiled warning for Ed Sheeran to keep his mouth shut? Probably not, but let’s take a minute to recap.
Following the britpop rocker’s interview with the NME, when nasty Noel referred to red Ed as a “ginger guy with a f**king guitar,” and snarled he didn’t think he could live in a world where the likes of Sheeran could headline Wembley Stadium, Sheeran, in true prince of bland pop style, took to Twitter and smugly chirped, “I can live in it, its really enjoyable.”
Meanwhile, Sheeran fans everywhere also took to social media and suggested that Noel was a square-haired c**t who should kill himself. Ouch!
Noel didn’t respond to smug Sheeran’s rather irritating and self-satisfied comeback, but that combined with Ed Sheeran’s disturbing air of infinite affability and fixed expression of conceited humility seems to have sent Noel off his rocker and into the realms of psychosis.
In the latest issue of NME, and following on from his constant attacks on Ed Sheeran and other cabaret singers who are single-handedly crushing the spirit of true, in your face, taking no prisoners, making no compromise, and having it large rock n’ roll, Noel was asked if Sleaford Mods, who are a bit like an angrier version of the Pet Shop Boys, were an answer to the lack of “working class rage” in British music that Noel feels is distinctly lacking nowadays.
Saying Noel responded in the negative is putting it mildly.
“They’re like f**king Brown Bottle in Viz. There’s no joy in that, is there? It’s just two guys, one clearly mentally ill, who’s just shouting like Brown Bottle about f**king cider and f**king shit chicken. Yeah, that would’ve been fun wouldn’t it, at Knebworth. ‘Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and while we’re all here’, while all the people at the back are on acid and E, ’round of applause for the miners, wahey’. F**k off.”
Keen to point out that although anger may be an energy, Noel explained you still need a bit of sugar to sweeten the pill.
“Oasis were raging, but we were raging joy and the sun was out in the songs, if you can’t see the rage and the yearning to better yourself in rock ‘n’ roll style you’re dead to me. And protest songs: f**king bollocks. ‘Cigarettes & Alcohol’ is a protest song, and the message in that is ‘F**k your recession and f**k you and your government, we’re gonna have a great time.'”
Although Noel’s anger towards Ed Sheeran can be attributed to the fact that he’s simply human and is also a fan of good music, his hostility towards the Sleaford Mods is probably because they earlier accused Gallagher of having “blood on his hands for making things too retro.”
To which Noel replied, and this could also be considered as some sort of encrypted warning to Ed Sheeran and the rest of his ilk, “Yeah. Well tell them from me that I’ve got blood on my hands and f**king champagne in the bath.”
What it all exactly means, we may never know.
