It’s well established that mankind and the goat live in a tense state of détente, wherein man’s technology is the only thing keeping the goats at bay. Now, new video has emerged of Chaz the Goat showing that he knows how to open his owner’s doors. The balance of power has shifted.
The video went up on YouTube some time ago, but it just came to us by way ofTastefully Offensive, which really didn’t have much to say about Chaz’s evolutionary leap. Mayhap they simply don’t understand the tenuous hold humanity has on its dominion over the goat. Or, maybe, they were simply stunned into silence. Anyone who’s been paying attention could see the signs.
Now, though, there is chilling video of a goat learning to work a door handle, then busting into his owner’s house. Like one of the velociraptors from Jurassic Park, but with weirder-looking eyes.
Clever girl indeed. Chaz the Goat’s owners say that the goat kept opening the door again and again, so they eventually had to begin locking it. Chaz’s grasp of human technology may signal the end for mankind, as the goats have made their antipathy for us no secret.
In late April, a Maine man was forced to call police after a pair of goats climbed atop his vehicle and wouldn’t get off. The vehicle received its share of scratches and bumps, but police were powerless to prosecute the Capra aegagrus hircus hooligans. And that is just the tip of the iceberg.
And goats don’t just stop at cars; they even brutalize each other, as seen below.
Even before they learned how to open doors, goats were exerting their will on whole populations, as was the case when one angry Brazilian billy goat terrorized an entire town, mowing down passersby again and again. Onlookers were powerless to stop the goat, or at least they didn’t try. One of the two.
The videos below show goats brutalizing an assortment of humans. Some would call them “hilarious,” but the wiser among us recognize them for the cautionary tales they are. Now that the goats can open doors, it’s only a matter of time until goats are not just jumping on cars, but driving them… over humans. And, with goats’ horizontal pupils enabling them to see 320 degrees, there is no way you can surprise them. That’s just science. Goat science.
It should go without saying, of course, that we, for one, welcome our soon-to-be furry overlords. We’d like to remind them that, as trusted internet personalities, we can be helpful in rounding up others.