Twinkies Back On Shelves, Long National Nightmare Over


When Twinkies were revealed to be the casualty of either “Bain Capital-ism” or greedy unions last year (yes, America is so polarized that even Twinkies are freaking political now), a nation lost it’s collective shizz over the potential eradication of the foodstuff on which basically the entire plot of Zombieland was predicted.

Twinkies were zapped from the market as part of the Hostess unions versus management saga, one that eventually brought the bakery down. Wonder Bread too was one of the great casualties of the contract negotiations and breakdown as well as thousands upon thousands of jobs at the company’s plants.

But Twinkies are back even if the workers lost out, and the return of the chemically cakes is being touted as the “the sweetest comeback in the history of ever,” apparently by someone who was not a fan of Beavis And Butthead thrilled by the awesome return of the show in 2011.

Twinkies were bought by private equity firms Apollo Global Management and Metropoulos & Co., and the latter’s principal Daren Metropoulos said of the triumphant return of the Twinkie just in time for deep fried at the state fair season:

“America wanted Hostess back — they wanted the original. Very soon consumers will once again be able to enjoy Twinkies, CupCakes and other great Hostess snack cakes. A comeback by any other name could never be as sweet.”

Rich Seban, Hostess head, says that the company has tightened up operations and even tweaked and improved recipes — but for quality, not to cut costs:

“Production was also consolidated, from 11 bakery plants to four — one each in Georgia, Kansas, Illinois and Indiana. The headquarters were moved from Texas to Kansas City, Mo., where Hostess was previously based and still had some accounting offices … In the months since they vanished from shelves, the cakes have been getting a few touchups as well. For the CupCakes, the company is now using dark cocoa instead of milk chocolate to give them a richer, darker appearance.”

While 15,000 workers lost their jobs in the Twinkie apocalypse of 2012, the cost of the treats won’t be going up — it’s still going to cost you just $3.99 for a box of 10 Twinkies.