UPDATED: 67th Annual Golden Globes 2010 results

The red carpet is soggy. Tiny Fey says, “it’s not rain. It’s just God crying for NBC.”

Golden Globes kick off, Ricky Gervais is unbelievably smarmy and knocks Steve Carell, NBC, Jay Leno.

Wins so far:

Best Supporting Actress: Mo’Nique, Precious

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy:ToniCollette, United States of Tara

Best Supporting Actor in a TV Drama: John Lithgow, Dexter

Paul McCartney, describing himself as that guy “from Rock Band,” says in discussing Up that “animation is not just for children. It is also for adults who take drugs.”

8:31- What the hell is Felicity Huffman talking about?

NPH takes the stage with Jane Krakowski and says they both have huge foreheads. Ha, ha. He said fiveheads. Michael C. Hall is up for the next award, and he looks sick.

8:34- Best Actor in a TV Series (Drama): Michael C. Hall, Dexter

It’s Bill and Sookeh! Go Anna Paquin.

Bummer. Best Actress in a TV Series (Drama): Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife

Does Harrison Ford’s earring creep anyone else out? It seems like a swinger’s secret signal or something.

Oh, my God, I think Cher died. Has anyone noticed there is no clear path to the stage? People have to like, jump over chairs and shit. Poor planning, planners!

Best Orignal Song, Motion Picture: Crazy Heart, “The Weary Kind”

Best Original Score, Motion Picture: Michael Gian-something-Italian, Up

Everyone is trying to fight their way to the stage for the next award, which is Best Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made For TV, Grey Gardens.

9:00-ish- Pro-tip: Playing the music- it means “shut the hell up.” Ha, ha. Colin Farrell said “balls.” Dublin, represent! Meryl Streep. Totally eye-banging Colin Farrell.

Best Actress in a Motion Picture: Meryl Streep, Julie and Julia

Kevin Bacon’s wearing molester glasses! Helen Mirren- 900 years old, and apparently into Haiku. Oh, she’s talking about Precious.

Best Actor in a Mini-Series or Made for TV Movie: Kevin Bacon, Taking Chance (He took off the perv glasses to accept the award. Gentlemanly!)

Best Actress in a Mini-Series or Made for TV Movie: Drew Barrymore, Grey Gardens

9:14- Hey, Drew Barrymore, there’s no award for overacting your acceptance speech. On her shoulder- bedazzled hedgehog. Not a choice that I would have made on the surface, but it’s working. Why isn’t she getting the STFU music?

9:23- Gerard Butler presents with Jennifer Aniston. Awkward!

Best Screenplay, Motion Picture: Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner, Up in the Air (I don’t wanna talk, you talk. Oh, Quentin Tarantino, burn!) I really feel people who have ultra-rich, connected parents should be exempt from winning awards, even if they’re fake Oscar/Emmys.

Best Actor in TV Series Alec Baldwin:, 30 Rock

9:28- No Alec Baldwin, I want my hour and a half back, damnit. I could listen to that man narrate my tax return and get turned on.

Redeemed. Samuel L. Jackson is talking. Shush, everyone. What’s with all the stupid glasses? (Samuel L. Jackson, Sophia Loren, the Crazy Heart Guy, and Kevin Bacon.)

Best Foreign Language Film: (Seriously, did they not realize it would take people fifteen minutes to get the stage?) The White Ribbon

9:37- We tire of your foreign accent. GTFO music.

Best TV Series, Drama: Mad Men? That sucks! True Blood kicks that show’s ass around the block. Alan Ball was robbed. ROBBED!

Best Supporting Actress, TV: Chloe Sevigny, Big Love

Some dude just ripped her dress! I love how she thanked her “sister wives.” Big Love is totally underrated, and she is totally awesome as Nikki.

Best Supporting Actor, Motion Picture: Christophe Waltz, Inglorious Basterds

9:57- Now presenting, Leonardo DiCaprio and my dad Robert DeNiro. DeNiro: I shall honor you, Martin Scorcese, by implying you have gay home videos with gay homosexual sex. Oddly, Scorcese looked totally comfortable with the gay sex jokes, not so much with the adulation heaped on by Leo. Wow- this montage is longer than many actual movies.

Cecil B. DeMille Award: Martin Scorcese

10:06- You gonna get the music, Scorcese. Bring it on home.

10:14- Ricky Gervais is drinking a beer. Edgy! OMG! “I like a drink as much as the next man. Unless the next man is Mel Gibson!”

Best Director, Motion Picture: James Cameron, Avatar

Ryan Murphy takes the stage- Best TV Series: Glee! Glee wins!!! Murphy dedicates the award to “anyone and everyone who got a wedgie in High School.

10:25- The Hangover guys are presenting. Best Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy: The Hangover. (Come on, Mike Tyson. Do something crazy.)

10:29- Mike Tyson did nothing crazy. Disappointed. Mickey Rourke is presenting, and appears to be made out of some sort of jerky- perhaps beef or turkey.

Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Drama: Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side

Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical: Robert Downey Jr., Sherlock Holmes

10:41- Robert Downey, Jr is giving the most charismatic speech of the night so far. Adorable and snarky.

Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama: Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart. He totally just kissed Kate Winslet on the mouth. Some dude in with Bridges’ boys is wearing Ray-Bans. Indoors. At night. In the 2010s.

10:55- Julia Roberts says “let’s wrap this up.” IAWTC, Julia. And the award for Best Motion Picture, Drama: Avatar.

Big horny weiner Signorney Weaver- looks fantastic, but kind of like the jolly green giant. Oh, come on, James Cameron. Give it up for yourselves?Avatar has connected all human beings to each other! And itself! And cured cancer and saved the whales and stopped Lady Gaga from making music.

Ricky Gervais throws in one last plug for his new HBO show, and the Golden Globes 2010 have concluded.

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