Just say no to lady garden mints

Vagina mints- why has no one thought of this before?

Because it’s a horrifying, off-putting and misogynist idea, that’s why. The new “novelty” feminine mints (feminine being a euphemism for the part of the female anatomy that dare not speak its name, see video below) called Linger and priced at $7.99 a tin are a whole bowl of wrong for so many reasons- here are the first four.

Reason #1: The backstory. A nameless woman, who I assume is supposed to be the entrepreneur behind the concept of vaginal mints, tells the soft-core story of the first man who slipped her some cootch candy:

On a first time trip into the heart of India, I fell instantly for a soft spoken, aristocratic man. He was tall, built, and well dressed. His voice was deep and husky, his eyes dark and intense, his skin the color of caramel…

(Fade to black…)

I was caught off guard when he kissed me deeply tasting of sweet mint… delicious! He looked into my eyes then and said softly, “Now, let me Linger!” That was the beginning of a long-lasting love affair. When I returned to the States, I brought the tingly sweet tasting sex mint with me. It’s been shared with friends and (believe it or not) family. It’s been shown to and discussed with our physicians. Now, this Internal Feminine Flavoringhas been recreated to be shared so your lover can Linger with you!

Sadly for womankind, the skipped over bit does not include the woman asking incredulously “did you just put a mint… in my vagina?!?” before beating the man unconscious with her shoe, caramel colored aristocrat or not. But wrong keeps coming.

Reason #2:The website, in general. Bad web design, “brought to you by GoDaddy!,” is off-putting enough when they’re not shilling “internal feminine flavoring.” I wouldn’t trust the entities behind this site to sell me… well, anything more innocuous than crotch mints. In addition to looking like it was strung together in Front Page circa early-2000, there are bonus points for charity-appropriateness fail:

lingerReason #3: Sweeteners + vagina= infection. If you’re worried about getting visitors down south, as it were, a yeast infection doesn’t add to your hospitality down there.

Reason #4:As MotherJones points out, they’re just regular trade show mints, repackaged and repriced for your filthy, unminty hoo-ha. Although the subtext of the site is clear (Linger is designed for slow release-extending the time your partner will want to spend tasting the new you- translation: your vagina is gross!) I would counsel any woman who considers minting her delicate bits to please a man to consider the alternative. Chances are, if you’re that hygiene conscious, you’re already not-disgusting enough to mate with. Remember, like a liberal coating of Axe Body Spray, a mint can only cover, not clean what’s there. And if your partner complains about foreplay anyway, you can always lock them out without their pants and get a vibrator. More expensive, sure, but worth it for the lack of minty vagina stinging.

[Via Consumerist]