Dream Job For Bacon Lovers: Now Hiring Bacon Critic — Yes, It’s An Actual Job

In what can honestly be referred to as the ultimate dream job, Time, Inc. — the same company that publishes such prestigious and well-known magazines as Fortune, Sports Illustrated and, of course, Time itself — is currently searching for a journalist who can devote his or her time and stomach to covering bacon.

Yes, we live in a golden age where there is an actual need for a bacon critic.

Time has created a new, breakfast-themed website titled, rather appropriately, Extra Crispy.“There has never been a sadness that can’t be cured by breakfast food,” the website proclaims, and then delves into such articles as “What’s Behind The Texas Breakfast Taco Wars” (a lot more than you would think, apparently!) and “The Case For Taylor Ham, New Jersey’s Mystery Meat” (which, according to the article, “looks like the top of a toilet plunger and tastes like home,” in case you would like to try it for yourself).

But no true breakfast-themed online publication can consider itself a bona-fide, credible online breakfast-themed publication without its own bacon critic.

If your reaction to bacon is similar to this baby’s reaction to bacon, read on.

The “help wanted” ad starts almost as a tease. “Do you like eating strips of cured pork belly?” it asks. (Duh.) “Do you have strong feelings about what makes good bacon good and bad bacon bad?” it asks, before dropping a philosophical truth bomb.

“Is ‘bad bacon’ even a thing?”

Of course, as a credible bacon critic and journalist, there must be something more than just a love for bacon. The position requires an ability to “string words into sentences and paragraphs that convey information and entertain readers.”

If a person is able to answer yes to loving bacon, being passionate about bacon, and being literate enough to string together coherent thoughts about bacon into compelling pork-related journalism, then Extra Crispy wants you to apply.

“If you answered ‘Yes!!!!!!!’ to at least three of those, read on. Extra Crispy is seeking a freelance Bacon Critic to cover the bacon beat, spanning bacon’s role in food, drinks, and culture. Our Bacon Critic can live anywhere in the U.S. and will spend a three-month appointment researching, writing about, obsessing over, and critiquing bacon. Yes, this is a very real paid freelance position we’re looking to fill in the near future.

“The Extra Crispy Bacon Critic needs to be opinionated and thorough in his or her research, and will be expected to eventually decide which bacon is the best in the country. Other qualifications include serious writing chops, an unmistakable voice, a sense of adventure, and an insatiable hunger — for bacon.”

So wipe those tears of joy from your eyes and the bacon grease from your fingers so your resume doesn’t get smudged. Extra Crispy wants you to apply for the bacon critic position by doing the following.

“To apply, send a short essay of fewer than 600 words recounting your favorite bacon-related memory to bacon@extracrispy.com by June 24, 2016. Writers with funny and memorable stories are preferred, so let it all hang out. We’ll show you ours if you show us yours. Your bacon, we mean, sicko.”

Be funny. Be original. Be passionate about pork-related products and weave magic strands of bacon-poetry, and this amazing job could be yours.

Vegetarians need not apply.

This isn’t the first time a seemingly magical job has made headlines. If, for some chance, you prefer to perform sweet moves with your nunchucks rather than write epic odes to bacon, then you missed out on a golden opportunity. Japan was recently hiring ninjas. And although consuming bacon and then writing about it and then getting paid to both consume and write about bacon does seem like an incredibly sweet (or salty) deal, being able to include “ninja” on your resume for the rest of your life has its perks, as well. For more on that, click here.