Spongebob Squarepants Is Gay, According To Ukrainian Commission

Ukraine is apparently very serious about protecting the welfare of the country’s children. According to The Wall Street Journal, Ukraine’s National Expert Commission for Protecting Public Morality have called for a special session to determine if Disney, Spongebob Squarepants, and Teletubbies are unhealthy for the nation’s young minds.

The commission allegedly received their information from the Catholic website “Family Under the Protection of the Holy Virgin,” which claims that most child’s programming is dangerous to the development of young, healthy minds. Specifically, the report states that these television shows are “a large-scale experiment on Ukrainian children” to create “criminals and perverts.”

According to EITB, psychologist Irina Medvédeva explained that children are deeply affected by the things they see on television. Medevedeva feels that kids “pull faces and make jokes in front of adults they don’t know, laugh out loud and repeat nonsense phrases in a brazen manner” as a result of these programs. As far as Ukraine’s morality police is concerned, popular cartoon character Spongebob Squarepants is homosexual.

The Teletubbies, meanwhile, were allegedly designed with the sole purpose of creating “an imbecile who will sit near the screen with an open mouth and swallow any information.” Regarding Tinky Winky’s infamous purchase, the study explained, “In real life, boys very rarely want to put on girls’ clothes.”

Other programs, including The Simpsons, Family Guy, Pokemon, and Futurama, are “projects aimed at the destruction of the family, and the promotion of drugs and other vices.” In fact, Japanese anime is nothing more than “a clear example of sexist propaganda.”

The Wall Street Journal describes the National Expert Commission for Protecting Public Morality as “a state body that evaluates media to check they observe Ukrainian morality laws, which ban inciting religious hatred, producing or disseminating pornography, and propagating alcoholism and smoking, among other things.”

Ukrainian censors have had a modest amount of success banning offensive material. Their attempts to ban The Simpsons have failed, though the group did manage to keep Sacha Baren Cohen from corrupting the country with “sexual perversions.”