Funny Father’s Day Jokes And Quotes For Dad’s Day Cards, Texts, And Tweets

Looking for a funny Father’s Day quote to put in a card, or a joke to amuse your wise-cracking Dad? Check out these jokes and humorous quotes that will add just the right touch to a printable greeting card, e-card, text message, tweet, or Facebook status.

If you haven’t purchased a Father’s Day card yet, there are several sites that offer printable greeting cards — just add a quote inside and print. If your father doesn’t live nearby, send an e-card, complete with music, photos, and a personalized greeting. has a great selection of hilarious electronic greetings, including Kung-Fu Dad, Golfer Dad, and the Dad Rap. Most of the cards on the JibJab site are free to send by email, and can also be shared on Facebook.

Quotes sites including QuoteGarden and 123Holiday have long lists of poems and sayings that are perfect for Father’s Day, but most of them are sentimental. If you’re looking for quotes that aren’t too sappy, here are 10 that amuse any Dad who can’t resist a funny one-liner.

  • “It is a wise child that knows his own father.” – Homer Simpson
  • “I’m so ugly – My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet” – Rodney Dangerfield
  • “Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
  • “The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.” – Bertrand Russell
  • “To be a successful father…there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.” – Ernest Hemingway

Need a few Father’s Day jokes to tell during dinner, or to use inside a card? Kids love telling jokes, so these are safe for all ages.

  • Do fathers always snore? No – only when they are asleep!
  • My Dad thinks he wears the trousers in our house, but it’s always Mom who tells him which pair to put on!
  • In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family’s head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and four-car garage. And that’s just the vacation home.
  • “What did baby corn say to mama corn? Where’s popcorn?
  • What do you call your dad when he falls through the ice? Beats me. A POPsicle!

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