Does America Need A Kate Middleton To Call Its Own?

With Kate Middleton and Prince William finally hitting the Big Apple and generating the sort of frenzied excitement and media interest that even A-List celebrities can’t buy, the disgraced former editor of the Daily Mirror, Piers Morgan, has suggested that maybe America should have a Monarchy of its own.

Waxing lyrical in his Daily Mail column about the stateside arrival of Kate Middleton and Prince William, whom he describes as the most “recognisable, feted, popular man on Planet Earth” and one who will “bestride the White House like a colossus,” Piers presents the argument for America adopting a Monarchy to call its own with the sweeping statement that, “America LOVES the royals.”

Piers argues that the combined celebrity power of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge invokes a level of “ecstatic frenzy” that will leave even the likes of Jay-Z and Beyonce dumbstruck with awe, and President Obama “grateful that he was able to bask, albeit briefly, in the reflected glow of his guest’s beloved VIP wattage.”

“Yes, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are in town, and the British Monarchy will once again remind the world that it’s the biggest gig in world showbusiness.”

Seemingly lost in his own deep and patriotic love for Prince William and Kate Middleton, and intoxicated with his own sycophantic rantings, Piers gushes that America’s obsession with Kate Middleton and all things royal is almost freakish, but nevertheless absolutely wonderful at the same time.

“In the 10 years I’ve lived here, I’ve never seen anything to rival the adulation, attention and respect this family engenders. If I want to make a dinner party in LA, Chicago, Dallas or New York come to a shuddering, silent, awe-struck halt then I start loudly regaling all my royal stories. (The one about my extraordinary two-hour lunch at Kensington Palace in 1997 with just me, Princess Diana and a 13-year-old William goes down particularly well…)”

All of which leaves Piers to contemplate philosophically, “Seriously, why doesn’t the U.S. consider having a constitutional Monarchy of its own?”

Piers then lifts the apparent benefits having a Kate Middleton and Prince William to call its own could have for America. He stresses they’re non-political, profitable, a symbol of national identity, and a barrier to corruption.

Piers does concede that the last British King America had to endure, “mad” George III, was given his marching orders after trying to prop up his debt-ridden government by taxing American colonies into submission, but apparently that was because old George was insane, and the British royal family have moved on since then.

He holds up Kate Middleton’s grandmother-in-law and current British Queen, Elizabeth II, as an example of a successful Monarch who’s moved with the times and remained popular.

“In 1992, she started to pay taxes, the first Monarch to ever do so; later, she opened up her official residencies to the public to finance their maintenance. More importantly, she’s been a wonderfully dignified and exemplarily behaved figurehead for Britain. Contrast with some of the philandering, corrupt, war-mongering or plain useless presidents that America has elected over the period of her six-decade reign and you’ll start to see why a Monarchy makes more sense. The thing I like best about the Queen is the quiet authority she wields over our democratic process.”

Piers remains convinced that American “citizens” would be much better off becoming “subjects” and asks, “As William and Kate dazzle the East Coast this week, I simply ask Americans to consider how much better or worse your country would be with a dash of this Monarchical magic yourselves?”