URGENT NEWS: Coffee Shrinks Breasts

Damn you, Starbucks: Too much coffee can cause a woman’s breasts to shrink, according to a new study.

The research, conducted at Sweden’s Lund University, found gals who drank as few as three cups of joe a day had measurable effects. (I tried to apply for the “official measurer” job, but they never responded to my application.) The scientists believe about half of all women have a random gene that causes the coffee-breast connection. In those women, they believe, the cup size goes down with every cup downed.

“They will get smaller, but the breasts aren’t just going to disappear,” says Helena Jernstroem, an experimental oncology lecturer at Lund University.

Just when we thought we’d come up with a great new game, though, the researchers nixed our idea:

“Anyone who thinks they can tell which women are coffee drinkers just from their bra measurements will be disappointed,” Jernstroem insists. “The problem is that there are two measures for a bra, the cup size and the girth, so you wouldn’t be able to tell.”

Maybe so — but that won’t stop us from trying.