CDC discloses zombie readiness plan

The CDC would like you to know that in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse, their plan is not just to let everyone die off until their headquarters in Atlanta, Georgia is decimated in a scheduled self-destruction while a ragtag group of survivors flees screaming, barely outpacing the blast- as some pop-culture predictions might have you believe.

No, the agency that often takes a supporting role in Zombie Apocalypse literature and film has used the compelling trope to disseminate some basic facts about disaster preparedness. However, I would be remiss in my duty if I did not point out that the talking points, while perfectly salient in run of the mill disasters, actually lack in zombie-related applications.

For instance, the CDC urges families to designate two meeting points in case of emergency- one near home, such as the mailbox, and one a distance away, in case your home or neighborhood is compromised. All well and good in the event of an earthquake, but meeting on the stoop will do you no favors if your mom or wife is trying to make pate out of your brains. Having a list of first responders would be excellent in the case of a tornado or flood, but we all know that when Ataxic Neurodegenerative Satiety Deficiency Syndrome strikes, the cops and hospitals are among the first to join the ranks of the infected and should be vociferously avoided. “What’s that on your arm, Officer?” “Oh, a perp bit me earlier…”

The CDC assures the public that when Z-Day hits, they’ll dispatch teams to areas where outbreaks occur, but their list of Zombie Apocalypse essentials– water, food, medications, tools and first aid kits- is notably lacking. In the interim, concerned citizens can at least take training classes to comply with the “Cardio” rule.

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