Bismarck, ND – Police are looking for a suspect who broke into a woman’s house, made himself a plate of bacon, drank some beers, and just left. Police will never find this suspect, because it could be anyone.
KX News reports that a 30-year-old Bismarck woman claims that someone broke into her Tatley Meadows house through her bedroom window while she was at work Monday. The suspect apparently made himself a plate of bacon, drank three of her Bud Lights, and left without stealing anything.
She said that when she came home, she could smell bacon and saw that it had been cooked.
The real bad news here is that the police will never catch this suspect, since it could be literally anyone. So hold your bacon and your beers close, America.
Believe it or not, bacon has actually featured in a number of interesting crimes over the past few years. Republic Of Bacon detailed some of the greatest bacon crimes recently committed here, but we’ll go ahead and offer a summary.
- In 2008, 28 high schoolers were suspended for two days for BBQ-ing bacon on campus.
- In 2011, three men were arrested for stealing three boxes of bacon from a restaurant’s cooler. They said that they couldn’t figure out how to get into the actual restaurant, but broke the external door to the cooler. They just didn’t want to leave empty-handed.
- Someone who was selling bacon-wrapped hot dogs in L.A. wound up in jail because bacon is considered to be “potentially hazardous food” in California.
- Also in 2008, a store lost its entire bacon stick to a group of thieves that hid the packages under their clothes.
- There’s the whole Bernie Madoff/Kevin Bacon thing.
Additionally, we’ve reported on a number of bacon crimes committed specifically in protest of Islam, which considers juicy pork to be the devil’s food. But seriously, they can’t eat it. One man threw a box of bacon into his local mosque while another group of waiters conspired to put bacon into a Muslim woman’s drink straw.
Watch this video on how to protect your bacon from theft: