Scientologists Believe Tom Cruise Has Telekinetic Powers [Yes, You Read That Right]

This week on reasons why Scientologists just need a reality TV show already,” the controversial Church believes that its most famous member, actor Tom Cruise, has telekinetic and telepathic powers. Yes, seriously.

Cruise has reached that rarefied level within the Church of Scientology’s spiritual pyramid scheme program called “Operating Thetan” or “OT”, apparently granting him pretty darn useful powers. Cruise is admired by his fellow believers as one of the spiritual greats, and they apparently believe that he is able to perform miraculous signs and wonders including the ability to move objects with his mind, telepathically communicate with animals and humans, and the ability to spiritually exit his body when he gets bored, reports Perez Hilton.

Now to be fair, Cruise has been at it for a long time. The 50-year-old actor has been studying Scientology for 30 years, so it’s about time he got some super powers out of the deal. What’s more, he has allegedly traveled the so-called “Bridge to Total Freedom”, attaining total enlightenment. Though this of course required intense (and mysterious) “auditing” sessions in addition to other practices, notes US Weekly.

So what’s next for Cruise now that he’s mastered the physical and spiritual realms? Apotheosis, or absolute God-hood, reports the Daily Mail. “At the highest levels, they are allegedly liberated from the physical universe, to the point where they can psychically control what Scientologists call MEST: Matter, Energy, Space and Time.”

If and when Tom Cruise reaches that point and spontaneously combusts into a spiritual rainbow of divine sunshine, I’ll take back every bad thing I’ve ever said about Scientology.

Until then, it should be noted that if Tom Cruise does indeed have telepathic powers, they were of little service to him leading up to his recent divorce proceedings. Reports said that Katie Holmes’ filing for divorce completely surprised Tom, leaving him heartbroken, so [insert various telepathy-fail and/or pop culture references here].