Five Back-To-School Real-Life Necessities To Stop You From Flunking Out

It’s time to go back to school, and there are only a few days left before a flood of first-year college students pack dorms and classrooms hoping for a great social and academic experience. You might think you are prepared for the upcoming school year, but your back-to-school nightmares will come true if you do not heed the wise words of this article.

1. Red Bull

It is a well-known fact that students never space out their assignments over a reasonable time frame, but rather pull an all-nighter on caffeine to complete that 2,000-word essay due tomorrow on the Life and Teachings of Plato or other such topics which really needed your attention over the last six weeks as opposed to final six hours.

Man in Red Bull outfit.
Well, it's not Red Bull is it? It's caffeine, and lots of it when you've procrastinated until the last nanosecond.

2. Condoms

What!? Am I recommending sex accessories to place in your back-to-school shopping basket? Quick, minimize the screen before your parents walk in. It is a well-known fact that students spend one-half of their time thinking about sex and the other half having sex. Chef from South Park sums it up wisely.

“There’s a time and place for everything and it’s called college.”

A woman wearing a condom outfit.
Men and women alike should always have condoms ready--don't worry, the store clerk won't judge you (much)!

3. A Cloud

This piece of advice should definitely not be ignored. Computers, memory sticks, hard drives — they are all in a conspiracy together to make you fail. And professors are not likely to extend the deadline due to a computer failure. If you do all your work in the cloud, then you can avoid such disasters.

Google Cloud presentation
Don't save on your hard drive stupid, save in the cloud and avoid the lame excuse "my dog ate my computer."

4. (Healthy) Food

This one might seem too obvious to list for your school shopping basket, but if you do not plan your diet properly, you will likely put on so much weight that you can just forget about number 2 above because you will not be having any sex with the extra 15 pounds you are bound to put on if you rely on cafeteria and/or fast food your first year of college.

A hamburger and fries
If this looks tempting to you, then college is sure to make you fat.

5. Extra smartphone battery/external smartphone charger

If you’re like me, your smartphone is always running out of juice. We rely on our smartphones for everything, and being caught with an uncharged smartphone on a night out or before an important presentation will result in a) having to be anti-social and borrow someone else’s or b) missing a class or meeting which will result in forever having the reputation of being unreliable. Not good! Here are some tips for extending your battery life.

Hands holding smartphone
If you use your smartphone for everything, then when the battery dies, then your everything vaporizes in a poof of existential nothingness.

Thank you for reading my tips on back-to-school necessities, if you made it this far, then why not hit “share” and help out your friends?

[Image credits via Getty]