Holly Madison ‘Has No Regrets’ Despite Recent Headlines Reporting Suicidal Thoughts

Holly Madison may have wanted to commit suicide, but sources close to Madison still say she had no regrets about living in the Playboy Mansion.

Madison made headlines earlier this week when news of her contemplated suicide hit the internet. In her new book, which is scheduled to be released on June 23, Madison wrote of a thought she had in 2002:

“If I just put my head under water and take a deep breath in, it would all be over.”

Madison admits that, at the time, she was under the influence of drugs and alcohol.

“Maybe it was the pot and the alcohol, but drowning myself seemed like the logical way to escape the ridiculous life I was leading.”

Madison also writes in the book that she believes the “infamous metal gates” were not meant to keep people out, but rather lock her in.

Despite Madison’s shocking revelations, a source close to Madison told PEOPLE that Holly wouldn’t go back and change a thing. PEOPLE reports:

“Because without living her life exactly as she had, (Holly Madison) might not have met her husband and had her daughter. Rainbow is her priority. Her husband and her family is what she is focused on. She’s tired of people thinking Playboy was an idyllic world. She wants to finally be the one to tell her own story. And after that, close that door and nail it shut!”

During her time living in the mansion, Holly Madison was Hugh Hefner’s No. 1 girlfriend. She also became a reality TV star on E!’s The Girls Next Door.

#TrueStory Get the full story in #DownTheRabbitHole Now available for preorder: link in bio!

A photo posted by Holly Jean Madison (@hollymadison) on

Madison‘s book is called Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny, and tells all the details of Holly Madison’s time living with Hugh Hefner. A press release from Harper Collins, the publisher of Madison’s book, described Down the Rabbit Hole:

“In this shockingly candid and surprisingly moving memoir, this thoughtful and introspective woman opens up about life inside the Mansion, the drugs, the sex, the abuse, the infamous parties, and her real behind-the-scenes life with Bridget, Kendra, and, of course, Mr. Playboy himself.”

In 2013, Madison married music festival producer Pasquale Rotella, and in September, Madison gave birth to her daughter, Rainbow Aurora. According to PEOPLE, Holly Madison currently has no relationship with Hefner.

[Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images]