Snorting Smarties And Other Fine Indicators Of Our Bright Future

By now, you’ve likely seen that the search term “snorting Smarties” has been trending lately. There are a few ways to react to this news, but it will boil down to two forms of curiosity, for all intents and purposes: the first is befuddlement as to why in tarnation “snorting Smarties” is trending. The second is a sense of intrigue and wondering what snorting Smarties would be like. Those in the former will likely have the most appreciation for the following.

Where did it all go wrong? Why are kids snorting Smarties? America’s favorite candy roll was made for oral consumption, pure and simple! Whose bright idea was it to change that? The one positive takeaway is that snorting Smarties means this generation hasn’t lost the ability to think outside the box. Now if only we could restore their logic faculties and instill decision making skills that didn’t land within the realm of idiocy…

Fun fact: Classic Smarties actually have six different flavors corresponding to the individual colors. This will be revelatory to some folks, because who ever had the patience to consume one piece at a time? Maybe that works for Necco Wafers, but those things are the size of Ritz crackers; attempting more than one of those at a time would likely lead to choking.

But do you think each of the Smarties flavors has a different effect when taken nasally? Does snorting the yellow pineapple produce a different sensation than the green strawberry? And which is the best? Do the really hardcore users move up to X-treme Sour Smarties®? Are Tropical Smarties® an exotic break from the doldrums of snorting regular old Classic Smarties?

One of the truly disturbing inferences of this phenomenon—besides the risk of nasal maggots—is the clear lack of thought going into this moronic trend. Why not try the path of least resistance? Have kids these days never heard of Pixy Stix?

Hello? They’re already in powder form!

Or why Wonka’s other fine powdered offerings, the Fun Dip? And does anyone remember that super sour powdered candy called Crave from the 90s? Hell, it even came in a surplus medical test tube looking package. That would make a bold move for adolescents looking to impress their peers with how easily they bend to stupid social tendencies.

Anyway, the point is it seems like they would be the obvious snorting choices. Sure, they’re a little harder to get a hold of, but when going stupid, why not be smart about it? It would seem Pixy Stix and Fun Dip would be to Smarties what cocaine is to crack. Just throwing that analogy out there.