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8 ways Facebook may change under Mormon ownership


The hot, and perhaps somewhat bizarre rumor doing the rounds has the Church of Latter Day Saints (LDS, or Mormons) offering to buy Facebook. As Cyndy Aleo-Carreira points out at The Industry Standard, the buy makes some sense when you consider the family networks on Facebook and the Mormons fascination with family history. World wide there’s every chance that your local “family history library” is run by Mormons, and even if you don’t agree with the religion itself, they are the leaders in genealogy.

But how different would Facebook be under Mormon control? The church as some interesting teachings….

1: Sunday becomes a day of rest

Every Sunday is the Facebook Day of Rest under the Mormon sabbath. Some functionality will be available on the site, but you won’t be able to make new friends or add to a profile wall. Applications cannot be used.

2: On Friday’s, Beacon knocks on your profile.

The church relies on its outreach program to convert people and to raise funds, and what better way than to reach the masses than Facebook’s Beacon platform. You won’t be able to hide from the missionary ads, complete with door bell sound and well dressed missionary.

3. You’ve got LDS Facebook Mail

It’s not spam, but it’s part of the legitimate missionary outreach from the LDS. Every day is a new passage from the book of Mormon.

4. A man and a man shall not use Facebook

Mormons are strict on homosexuality: they don’t like GLBT people. Any hint of homosexuality becomes a breach of the revised LDS Facebook TOS, however you will be allowed to keep your account if you dedicate the rest of your life to overcoming your ungodly urges. Also don’t think a man loving himself passes the test either, the church aren’t fans of masturbation either.

5. Different status for African Americans?

The Mormons don’t have a great track record with African Americans, and the book of Mormon is pretty clear on where they stand:

# 1 Nephi 13:15

“… and I beheld that they were white, and exceedingly fair and beautiful…”

# 2 Nephi 5:21

“And he had caused the cursing to come upon them, yea, even a sore cursing, because of their iniquity. For behold, they had hardened their hearts against him, that they had become like unto a flint; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them.”

# 2 Nephi 30:6

“… a white and delightsome people.”

This is the reading of Joseph Smith’s original 1830 edition. Smith changed the wording “white” to “pure” in the 1840 printing, though until 1982 the word “white” was again in use.
# 3 Nephi 2:14-15

“And it came to pass that those Lamanites who had united with the Nephites were numbered among the Nephites; and their curse was taken from them, and their skin became white like unto the Nephites. And their young men and their daughters became exceeding fair..”

According to LDS theology, the Lamanites are the ancestors of the American Indians. In the verses above we see the unbelievable LDS teaching that the skin of the Lamanites would turn white upon conversion
# Jacob 3:8-9

“O my brethren, I fear that unless ye shall repent of your sins that their skins will be whiter than yours, when ye shall be brought with them before the throne of God. Wherefore, a commandment I give unto you, which is the word of God, that ye revile no more against them because of the darkness of their skins “

The church claims today that it isn’t racist, and started allowing African Americans join the ministry in….1978. This is not to say that mainstream Christian faiths have brilliant track records on race either, but racism runs far deeper in Mormon teachings.

6. Missionary game is the most popular Facebook Application

Well it isn’t really the most popular, but the LDS Missionary game appears at the top of every list.

7. Mitt Romney as CEO

Looking for an acceptable face for LDS Facebook, the church appoints Romney as CEO. Caffeine is forbidden in the boardroom, and Zuckerberg has left and is still working out how to buy a bed with his billions.

8. How many wives?

Gay relationship status’ and anything remotely looking like pre-marital sex has gone, but lucky guys can now list more than one wife. The Mormon Church claims that Polygamy is the thing of the past, but anyone taking a casual drive around the backwoods of Utah knows that this isn’t always the case.

I apologize if I’ve deeply offended any Mormons in this post and where possible I’ve checked the facts when mentioned. No doubt you’ll want to save my atheist soul none the less.

To finish, the following is a video of Mormon beliefs from the 70s. It may not be entirely accurate (although the stuff about lots of gods, wives and planets is as far as I can tell), but in an age where Scientology is the primary target of anti-religious zeal, the following is food for thought.

NOTE: the language in the following video is offensive at times.

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48 Responses to “8 ways Facebook may change under Mormon ownership”

  1. Edmond

    Weird…are you a mormon who left the church or something? You sound pretty bitter. All the mormons I know are nice people, and I'd guess that the cartoons and things you linked to are probably made by other religions to make mormons look bad. I know for a fact that they don't hate gays.

    Anyway, I'm rather uncomfortable reading any sort of hate speech, be it about a specific religion or not. Please have some respect for your fellow humans.

  2. Joe Turner

    Hah hah hah!!!

    Wow I haven't read something so ignorant since I read garbage from the Tanner's.

    It was entertaining though.

    Glad I'm not on your level buddy ;^)

    And if I remember correctly, that cartoon is from the God Makers, which is full of blatent lies. Good choice of reference materials, makes you sound REALLY CREDIBLE.

  3. Tom

    Yeah, I have to vote with the seeming majority here. I understand it's an attempt at humor and I get that humor can sometimes miss the mark. That said, this comes across as pretty low class. There's a difference between jokingly poking fun at someone and flat out saying you think they're bad people.

    The line is clearly pretty thin but this seemed like an attack to me and I'm pretty liberal in this area

  4. JG

    Yeah, that video is from an evangelical anti-mormon movie called “The God Makers.” It was so bad it was denounced by the Anti-Defamation League.

    Try to find a way to make fun of us without getting to cozy with the 700 Club folks, eh?

  5. CyndyA

    Wow. First off, that was hilarious, and I'd have found it hilarious if the rumor was about the Vatican buying Facebook as well. I'm sort of shocked that people are SO up in arms about this… WTF? Have we lost all sense of humor? The rumor is so completely out there, how could that NOT be news-worthy? It sure beats another Microsoft-Yahoo rumor or wah-wah blogosphere bitchfight over PR any day of the week.

  6. Elizabeth de Vere

    A much better video would be Southpark. At least they are funny. And do a better job at research.

  7. BMOC2001

    This isn't even funny (I'm assuming it's an attempt at humor). There are plenty of funny Mormon jokes that actually poke fun at Mormon culture, but this is just regurgitated evangelical hate language in the hands of an uneducated jackass. The Jews wouldn't tolerate it. The blacks wouldn't tolerate it. The homosexual community wouldn't either. What makes you think hate based dialog is OK on Mormons? The only 'funny' part is that you're so overwhelmingly wrong on your facts it looks like some inbred redneck wrote it. We're not laughing with you Duncan… we're laughing at you.

    Here a start on your path to finding what Mormons really believe. www(dot) mormon (dot) org

  8. Charles

    What a load of crap. Obviously didn't do any real research about Mormonism.

  9. CyndyA

    Duncan, Disqus is hurling and won't let me reply to a reply.

    @Tom, you seriously compare joking about murdering a baby to joking about a religion???? Oy.

    The main reason that some religions get SO much bad press is because of the inability to look at it from an outsider's perspective and the tendency to take any poke or dig as a personal affront. I got over it a long time ago. I'm married to an Atheist. Looking at my beliefs through his eyes and poking doesn't threaten me, and I never understand the reaction of anger and defensiveness instead of a reaction of “You know, I see why you think that… here's why I think you are wrong.” Does anyone here think that a single comment left here will change anyone's feelings about the LDS church or will it instead reinforce impressions?

  10. Tom

    Well first, since you can obviously read I’m just going to assume you are intentionally slandering the author of that piece you quoted because he said nothing about murdering a baby. He specifically said “While it is hard not to feel bad for his brutally murdered wife and child, not to mention his wounded daughter, Eddie's suicide itself is the stuff of happy thoughts”. So in fact he felt murdering a baby was a tragedy but was happy that the guy who had done so was dead.

    On that note, claiming someone was making a joke about murdering a baby when they weren't is really kind of offensive in it's own right.

    But back to the piece itself I also didn’t think his comments were all that tactful but that’s why I’m not a hypocrite and you are. The bottom line is that you can’t get offended by a poor attempt at humor and then criticize others for being offended by another poor attempt at humor. Either it’s ok to be offended by people’s bad jokes or it’s not. Period. Because any other stance means you’re demanding everyone be like you (e.g. it’s ok to say something offensive if you aren’t offended but not ok if you are offended)

  11. CyndyA

    Tom, at the point at which anyone compares mocking a religion to mocking the loss of human life, I have to seriously wonder about the religion that would put itself over the creations of its god. No, that doesn't make me a hypocrite. It makes me pretty consistent in my beliefs, which involve a creator that's all-forgiving. I hardly think there is a god of any religion who would find it necessary to smite a spammer, but then again, I'm not up on all the religions other than my own. Last time I checked though, there was no “Thou shalt not spam” listed in the Commandments.

    You impugn my intelligence, call me a hypocrite, and that does what? Would that be more or less likely to make me sympathetic to your POV? I'm not sure you read the rest of my comment at all, since you didn't address it. I was discussing my article with a fellow writer who thought I should have included MORE about LDS history as a rationale for the rumor's veracity. I pointed out that it was a rumor, had a tenuous link to the realm of possibility. Rumors like this are news ALL THE TIME. How many times have I read that Google/Microsoft/Yahoo is buying Digg? It's part and parcel of the news cycle. Duncan's post pokes at the rumor, and suddenly he's using hate speech? Where are the Bigfoot believers calling him out? Or the TechCrunch believers? Why is the LDS church supposed to be above the same treatment given to any tech rumor out there?

  12. jessestay

    Duncan, I know you're doing this in good fun, and frankly, I'd love to have Sundays off from Facebook, but as you go further into the article it does come across pretty much as “poking fun” at Mormons. We can laugh at ourselves, and I get the jokes, but we seem lately to be the punchline of many jokes around the web lately and it's bordering on inconsiderate. There is definitely some bias to your article that I know won't sit well with a lot of the Mormon faith (much of it, as you point out, is untrue, so why share it?). That said, thanks for putting some humor to the situation – the whole Mormon-Facebook acquisition thing is pretty ridiculous.

    Just some corrections:

    -We don't *dislike* Gay/Lesbian/etc. people. I have many friends myself, some of them Mormon even that are Gay. We simply don't condone acting out on the behavior. And even if you do, we don't hate you because of it – we're taught to love one another. Any evidence to the contrary is wrong.
    -The church's outreach program doesn't raise funds – the Church is 100% member-funded
    -The scriptures you're quoting on African Americans are taken out of context and are not referring to African Americans/White Americans at all – in fact, it's referring to people of an entirely different time period, and much of that in a symbolic rather than literal context – the church has been completely forthcoming on that with the scriptures you quote
    -Caffeine is not forbidden in the LDS Church – Coffee and Tea are. In fact, several LDS Apostles are known to have a preference for Coca Cola or Pepsi. It is a personal preference not to drink if you know any Mormons that have made the choice.
    -The video you're sharing is an anti-Mormon video distributed by radical protestants intending to harm the Mormon faith and prove its principles are wrong. It has never been endorsed by the Mormon Church, is very inaccurate, and portrays the church in a completely inaccurate, out of context picture. I would highly recommend you use a more accurate video, perhaps one produced by the Church itself to share what the Mormon Church claims to believe.

    Again, I don't take too much offense to this, but there are some serious inaccuracies here, and you're going to seriously offend some people by keeping the inaccuracies in place.

  13. Nicci

    Oh my goodness.
    That's not funny..
    I'm mormon.
    Mormon's don't hate gays.
    If you're mormon, and you have feelings for the same sex, then you talk to your bishop and if you say, “Pshh. Screw it. I like the same sex and people can deal with it.” then you get ex-communicated.
    We don't hate them.
    I personally think it's disgusting, but that's just me.
    No, the southpark thing IS NOT the best thing to watch if you want to know about mormons.
    Joseph Smith did not put rocks in a hat, stick his head in there and call it a vision.
    That's the actual site that I'd tell anyone to look at.
    Everything else is probably lies.
    Any questions about mormons?
    I'm only 15 and know a whole lot.
    So email me questions or something.

  14. jessestay

    Jery, that's like saying “I hate the horrible disgusting choice you
    made to become American. Once the American government stops 'not
    condoning' people's behavior that doesn't affect you I will stop 'not
    condoning' the American Government”. The American government, the
    Catholic church, Southern baptist convention, and more have all
    condoned different ways of living. If you really look at it though,
    the Mormon church has been pretty peaceful and welcoming about it all
    – you don't see us standing outside abortion clinics or Gay weddings
    shouting at those practicing the behavior against our teachings. You
    see us welcoming you as friends, cheering on your weddings, and
    recognizing that while you don't have the same beliefs as us, we can
    still share what we do have in common.

  15. jery

    Um, I don't condone of you acting out Mormon behavior. I don't dislike you, just the horrible disgusting choice you made to become Mormon. That's alright then, right? Once the LDS church stops “not condoning” people's behavior that doesn't affect you I will stop “not condoning” the Mormon church. Maybe then you'll stop being criticized in an “inconsiderate” way.

  16. jery

    Maybe it should tell you something that you assume someone who sounds angry at the Mormon church has an intimate knowledge of the church.

    I don't think ex-convicts are as bitter about jail as ex-Mormons are of the Mormon church.

  17. jery

    Most Americans can't change the fact that they're American and America doesn't have a doctrine saying LGBT people are bad. Most gay people can't change the fact that they're gay and gay people don't have dogma saying that certain other groups are bad. Mormons, though, can stop being Mormons any time and they can stop supporting anti-gay political and social rhetoric at any time. (And anti-woman, and white supremecist rhetoric, but that's a different story.)

    Just because the Westboro Baptist Church and abortion clinic bombers are out there doesn't mean the Mormon Church is less intolerant and hurtful. Mormons have significant political and economic power and the Mormon Church has a negative effect on many non-Mormon lives through their dogma.

    If you want to control the behavior of your family or your church members, that's fine (although still worth criticizing). The Mormon church, though, has stifled civil rights laws in Utah and other states, and put their full political and economic weight towards passing a federal anti-gay marriage amendment. That's not benign, and people should not stop criticizing the Mormon church until they stop trying to dictate how people privately live their lives.

  18. Brian

    those scriptures are taken WAY out of context… most of them not even close in their implied descriptions. This article is definitely a rumor. The “Church” would never buy something like this… although a member of the church might have some interest in it. The church is way more concerned with helping others and improving each others' lives than social networking. Check your sources next time, “Inquisitor.”

  19. Klevin

    Wow, this video is so far from accurate. Obviously, it has been produced by anti-Mormon folks who, for some reason, feel threatened by the truthfulness of the LDS Church. I am happy to stand up for my Mormon beliefs. But first, you must present the beliefs of the Church. This cartoon is a joke. Good Mormons love all people…black, white, or whatever. We're all equal in Heavenly Father's eyes. Please take this cheesy cartoon down. Someone may actually buy into it. And then YOU will be held accountable for deceiving people.

    Thank you.

  20. Mel

    Mormons are commanded to love everyone as much as they love themselves. In my opinion, when the Church takes a stand against homosexuality, it is not intended to hurt anyone at all. It is only intended to save the sanctity of the family and this wonderful world in which we live. If the ways of God are perverted by the inhabitants of this earth (which is unfortunately happening at an ever increasing rate) then all the sooner comes the end. These commandments are here to give us peace and happiness. Homosexuality (I have friends and relatives who are gay) is a very selfish lifestyle. In many gay relationships is not about give and take. It's about take – take – take…satisfying ones lustful desires. There was a study done at one time that indicated that the average homosexual male living in SF had as many as 500 sexual partners in his lifetime. That sure seems like a selfish lifestyle to me. I don't hate gay people at all, I'm just saying or hoping that you will understand the motives behind some political positions (that's my opinion).

  21. Joshua

    All the reasons are way funny – except for #5 and #8, which are ridiculously misreported and a little offensive. And the video was a terrible choice, sorry. Even in a humor post (which this certainly was, I laughed, and I am a Mormon!) including an anti-_____ anything clip is simply rude. Include a clip from or something, at least get it from the source.

  22. jery

    Yes, I know how religion works. That doesn't make religion free from criticism. Would you be uncritical of a huge politically and economically powerful church of Satanists? Of course not. That's the way non-religious people feel about Mormons and other socially repressive religious groups. Criticism should be welcome by religions if they want to stay relevant. Look at how Martin Luther or John Smith changed their religions and made them more current and less repressive. If Mormonism changed to accept homosexuals and women and racial minorities as equals, it would benefit them and reduce criticism, just like it benefited them to reject polygamy, accept black people, stop oppressing native americans, etc.

    And yes, it doesn't really matter, but the bible does say in Leviticus not to sleep with a man like you would with a woman because it is an abomination. It's right after the parts whereit says not to eat shrimp or pork because it is an abomination, and before the part mandating people to celebrate Yom Kippur every year. Mormons can choose to follow specific LDS church teachings or not, but there are many positions that define you if you are a Mormon, and right now one of those is intolerance.

  23. CR Douglas

    I love the title of the video “What Mormon Theology Is Really All About”…. As noted earlier, the video clip is from the anti-Mormon film “The GodMakers” If you want to know what the LDS religion is about, wouldn't it be common sense to ask someone from the religion?? There seems to be a lot of “experts” out there that either have never been members or are disgruntled former members of the church.

    One has to smile at the rhetoric… The same anti points seem to recycle every few years…

  24. Bubba

    I like how you think that what you see in a video on the internet is factual….haha. Douche bag. Mormons are removed from the church if they have more than one wife. FLDS (fundamentalists) who broke off from the church a century ago are the polygamists.

  25. Kazumi Aiko

    (Don't Judge the book by its Cover)…. I'm so blessed that I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints…

  26. Byron Cooley

    Really? Does that mean you disapprove of the cover? Rest easy, not judgng by it's cover but rather by my knowledge and education delivered by the LDS church. I was a member until 10 years ago and I am 50. It is amazing the things that they don't tell you but cannot deny.

  27. Jacob Durrant

    Wow… you really understand nothing about Mormons. I hope they do take over facebook so they can kick you off it. :)

  28. Shane Castane

    Simply wish to say your article is as surprising. The clearness in your post is simply cool and I could assume you're an expert on this subject. Fine with your permission allow me to grab your feed to keep updated with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please keep up the rewarding work.

  29. Steve Knigge

    if The Book of Mormon is true then the writings of The Apostle Paul are not! much is said in the Bible about Jews and Gentiles but nothing about Nephites and Laminites. The Gentiles are the other sheep that Jesus refered to in John 10:16.
    Mormonism is simply religious fiction! Man made "religious fiction." Joseph Smith has decieved so many wonderful people with his off shoot "religious fiction"since 1830.

  30. Derren Walker

    Man also made the bible, destroyed it, tampered, translated it.

    You believe in a man born from a virgin, but can't believe in a newer testimony?

  31. Steve Knigge

    (Galatians 1:6-7) "I am amazed that you are so quickly turning away from Him who called you by the Grace of Christ, and are turning to a different gospel— not that there is another gospel, but there are some who are troubling you and want to change the gospel of Christ."

    There is NOT another true testament of Jesus Christ!

  32. Steve Knigge

    "But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach to you a gospel other than what we have preached to you, a curse be on him. " (Galatians 1:6). What a clear directive! If the book of Mormon Is true then the apostle Paul's writings are not. Joseph Smith claimed to be visited by an angel (Moroni) who informed him that the true gospel had been corrupted and he was to present another gospel /testament of Jesus Christ.

  33. Derren Walker

    What about this?
    Mark 9 38-50? I think all "christians" need to memorize these scriptures before they knock other Christian faiths…maybe?

  34. Steve Knigge

    Joseph Smith has deceived so many wonderful people since 1830! "The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, 'Here is the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!" (John 1:29) Jesus said in John 5:24 "I assure you:Anyone who hears My Word and believes Him who sent Me HAS ETERNAL LIFE and will not come under judgment But HAS passed from death to Life." – in revelation it speaks of those who did not come to Christ for life and will be judged according to their works and anyone not writer in the book of life was thrown into the lake of fire. Revelation 20:13-15)

  35. Tom Mathias

    I suppose as a Mormon I should be offended. I just can't understand why so many people take so much time attacking a religion they don't understand and don't have any desire to understand. What a waste of valuable time. Think of all the good that could be done in the world, but instead you attack us. How sad for you.

  36. Steve Knigge

    I apologize if I offended anyone. I'm only attempting to follow the directive in 2 Timothy 2:23-25 "But stupid and UN-disciplined SEEKings BE-refusING HAVING-PERCEIVED that THEY-ARE-generating FIGHTings. And the servant of the Lord Must not Quarrel ; but be gentle unto all, apt to teach, patient, in meekness disciplining those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them metanoian (repentance) into ON-KNOWledge OF-TRUTH."

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