Sleep talking blog goes viral, is likely bollocks

Kim LaCapria - Author
By

Jun. 17 2013, Updated 4:11 a.m. ET

It seems like every day there’s a fantastic and hilarious new blog to clog up your RSS feed.

I fucking love funny stuff on the internet. In the days before the internet, I listened at the door when my parents had friends over to watch Andrew Dice Clay on Pay-Per-View and snuck out of bed to watch George Carlin on HBO. I’m actually a whore for laughing at things and it doesn’t take much to get me going. But today’s popular humor blog “Sleep Talkin’ Man” (they couldn’t have come up with something more clever?) is vastly overstated in humorosity, mostly because it is so obviously faked.

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The blog is written by a married couple in England in which the husband apparently sleep talks and the wife records and transcribes his somnambulic witticisms. Perhaps he’s said a few funny things while asleep and talking, but I’ve been exposed to a lot of sleep talkers in my life. It kind of runs in my family. I know hilarious people who sleep talk and people talking in their sleep a) almost never follow a thread, b) almost never make a series of coherent statements and most importantly c) don’t do it consistently or when you’re noticing. 99.9% of sleep talking, in my experience, is either very dull or centers around daytime worries. (As a toddler, my son would often sleep-discuss the whereabouts of his Cheerios.)

Some of the things the sleep talking blog posits were said by the guy while asleep:

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“Well if I’m the douchebag, you’re the contents, Titfuck!”

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“Of course the zombie loved me. She gave me her heart. Mmmmm-hmmm. And her hand in marriage.”

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“Don’t eat the jelly! Don’t eat the jelly! I made it with frog wee. It’ll turn your teeth green… Like mini apples.”

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“Lentils are evil. Pure fucking oozing evil. Take them away from me.”

“My vision of hell is a lentil casserole.”

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“Don’t… Don’t put the noodles and the dumplings together in the boat. They’ll fight! The noodles are bullies. Poor dumplings.”

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“Butt cheeks ahoy! There she blows!”

“You can’t be a pirate if you haven’t got a beard. I said so. MY boat, MY rules.”

“We haven’t got a plank. Just fucking jump.”

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I don’t know if I’m just feeling unusually cynical today but again, not buying it. Does anyone else find it hard to believe this dude just churns out “hilarious” stuff all night long? Oh, look, they’re selling t-shirts. Featuring zombies and pirates, because not only does this man sleep talk, he sleep talks about internet cliches.

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