The ‘Southern Charm’ Recap Of ‘Hilton Head-Ache’ [Opinion]

BravotvNBC Universal

There are people who seem to live for confrontation and others who avoid it, and if Southern Charm cast member Thomas Ravenel didn’t know it before, the woman whose rent he is now paying is the former, and she came on holiday with his friends loaded for bear as it were (even though there are no bears on Hilton Head and no mountain ranges either).

Beware: Spoilers are below.

By now on Bravo shows the cast should know that any vacation or getaway is only going to be somewhat better than the three-hour tour advertised on Gilligan’s Island. As reported by the Inquisitr, the Southern Charm gang and Thomas Ravenel’s girlfriend (we’ll call her Buzzkill for the sake of this discussion) were last seen on Daufuskie Island where they went on a horseback walk (it can’t be a ride if you don’t even get to trot) and a few holes of golf.

As the gang sat down for dinner, Buzzkill decides she has the right size audience for a shanking. For the record, when you are new to a group, perhaps calling someone names is not the best way to make friends and influence people. But Buzzkill doesn’t know this, because she’s a Yankee, Y’all.

Another thing that Buzzkill didn’t learn growing up is that you don’t play with your hair while you eat, but that’s not the only thing about her dinner table etiquette that made everyone want to run for cover. Ravenel saw Buzzkill winding up for the pitch and bolted from the table, doing his best Foghorn Leghorn imitation from a safe distance.

“Are they okay?”

No, dude, they are not okay, and maybe you should have spared everyone at the table from the Daufuskie freak show.

For some reason, Buzzkill gives me Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory flashbacks (the movie version with Gene Wilder). The scenes where Willie Wonka quietly and calmly says to the children “no, stop, come back” as they are headed for danger remind me of Danni, Naomie, and Chelsea trying to convince Ashley to stop winding Kathryn up when they all know that sassy Miss Kathryn can eat her alive.

There is something about the boldness of a woman with limited intellect who is going to tell a mother how she should be parenting her children, and then expect to be invited to a party. Chutzpah is the word of the day on Daufuskie Island, obviously because Buzzkill seems emboldened by taunting someone at the dinner table among witnesses who would not put you out if you had burst into flames.

Then, for the first time in his life, Thomas is mute, allowing his date to try to get under Kathryn’s skin (per contractual obligation).

At this point in the festivities, am I the only one hearing Lynyrd Skynyrd “Gimme Three Steps” in my head? C’mon Shep, I know you can hear it!

When Whitney is the one who has to tell you to pull your twitching Chihuahua off of Kathryn’s leg, you know you’ve missed a social cue or 10, Thomas. And if Buzzkill saying horrible things to Kathryn wasn’t part of your plan, you would have pulled her aside and said don’t act like a controlling imbecile around my friends. But he said no such things and seemed to play dumb.

I’ll take this moment to say that Danni Baird is a goddess. She is the friend who holds your shoes and your earrings when you take on a girl starting up with you at the bar. Kathryn might have evolved past stabbing you with a fork honey, but Naomie was considering it.

For the record, you are not kind and you are not sweet, you are pathological, and now millions of people know it.

On the ferry on the way back to the house on Hilton Head, everyone got a glimpse at what Kathryn lived with for two years, and that was a grown man screaming in your face whilst pointing his finger at you. It’s frightening and abusive.

It’s it sad when everything is reduced to who has money, and who has power, and who doesn’t, rather than who has manners and who has compassion, and who doesn’t.

I’m thinking that Buzzkill might have a case of Tourettes brought on by cheap beer, except instead of cursing, she just says “enabler” and “Chelsea.” And for the record, the prize goes to Austen for coining the new nickname “Trashley.”

As Bonnie and Clyde cuddle, the rest of the crew seem to be wondering if they are close enough to land to swim.

“A three-hour tour!”

Thomas Ravenel nearly chokes on an ice cube when he realizes that a trip back to court for mediation might be a bit different this time, now that there is a season’s worth of tape of questionable behavior. According to an Inquisitr article, there’s a new nanny in town, and Deidre Blair-Poletti and her daughter, Paige, are now out of the picture per court order and not allowed to see the children, according to her Facebook post.

Buzzkill tries the Blanche DuBois “kindness of strangers” speech on Chelsea, who just wants to go to bed. Chelsea doesn’t want you to go away angry, she just wants you to go away.

Am I the only one that thought that this could have easily turned into a murder mystery? How many of the crew locked their doors that night, and pushed a few Louis Vuitton suitcases up against the door for good measure?

In the immortal words of Chelsea, “she ain’t right.”

While the hunters and the gatherers went out to gather dinner, Buzzkill twisted her hair, again, complaining that she has been waiting for dinner while bathing in her signature fragrance, “Entitlement by Ashley.” You know the jig is up when Shep thinks it’s time for you to go. If looks could kill, you would have been wearing some chilled tequila, sweetie.

“I f***ing hate her! I don’t like her!”

By the way, Thomas, you might need to drop Buzzkill by Miss Patricia’s again, because she needs a silverware update. The silver seafood pick with the crackers and the mallets are for shellfish like blue crabs, not picking your teeth at the table, or Shep’s teeth, or any equine teeth you might see. Seriously, are you 5-years-old? Maybe Miss Patricia can teach you a bit of Mid-Atlantic polish and give you the Washington School of Protocol crash course most Baltimore kids learn in kindergarten. Oh, T-Rav, this is going to cost a bit more than a trip to Talbots.