Starbucks Toilet Snake Shocks Texas Coffee Shop Goers

A Starbucks toilet snake understandably shocked customers in San Antonio, and a Facebook pic of the benign slitherer has been going viral — because OH MY GOD NUKE IT FROM ORBIT.

The Starbucks toilet snake embarked on its quest to haunt our dreams this week at the Bandera Road and Loop 1604 Starbucks in north San Antonio, and unlucky java swiller Bruce Ahlswede encountered a scenario we now dread thanks to his story.

Ahlswede explains that the Starbucks toilet snake didn’t even look real at first, because who expects a toilet snake? But he adds that after the monster began moving, he decided to go get a barista to investigate the creature’s presence.

(If it came up from the sewer, we are so seriously done with indoor plumbing.)

Ahlswede explains:

“I looked down and looked at the toilet and I see this snake laying across the toilet… I said hey, you know you’ve got a snake in your bathroom and she’s kind of freaking out. So we went back in and watched it as it slithered back and around and down underneath the rim of the bowl and right inside.”

Unfortunately, local news sources report that the species looks like a Texas rat snake, and that they’re known to indeed swim up through plumbing and into your Starbucks bathroom or house.

Starbucks addressed the toilet snake in a statement, saying:

“The safety of our customers is our top priority. We want all of our customers to have an enjoyable experience when they visit our stores, and we were concerned to learn of this incident. Our partners immediately contacted Animal Care Services. Animal Care Services does not respond directly to calls involving snakes. Rather, they refer snake calls to the South Texas Herpetology Association, which is who checked the store. They performed a comprehensive inspection of our store. South Texas Herpetology Association confirmed the store is safe for customers and partners and that there were no further safety concerns.”

What would you do if you saw the Starbucks toilet snake? Would it put you off Frappuccinos for life?