Harry Potter Meets Gun Control

If Harry Potter met gun control what do you think would happen?

Well, if the same gun political climate of the United States prevailed in Harry Potter’s world, he might not be rushed by fans. Let’s see what the world of Harry Potter might look like…

The wizarding school of Hogwarts has been shocked this past year with a string of student violence. For the first time in Hogwarts history, the number of deaths caused by student magic has surpassed those caused by the whomping willow. Wizarding duels and patronuses have littered the hallways, with some in the Ministry of Magic debating whether students should be stripped of their wands.

Moderates point out that Unforgivable Curses have been outlawed since 1717 and that the usage of Avada Kedavra is already regulated enough by the Ministry of Magic. Proponents of banning all types of potentially harmful magic claim that even a student’s wands should be taken away.

Minister Diannitty P. Frankenstein says all wands should be banned:

“I believe that students at Hogwarts should learn to suffice with magical theory since they’re clearly not responsible enough to own wands. If I could have gotten a majority vote in the Ministry of Magic for an outright wand ban, picking up every one of them… wizards and witches, turn ’em all in, I would have done it. I could not do that. The votes weren’t here.”

Ms. Frankenstein declined to comment when asked about the right to carry wands that witches and wizards have enjoyed for millennia. After all, some critics point out that, since wand ownership was just as high in the past without so many student deaths, a change in wizarding society must be at fault. These pro-wand advocates say that stripping people of their right to own wands would not solve the problem.

The Prime Minister of the Muggle Community of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland also would not officially comment, saying only that “he did not like meddling in the affairs of wizards and witches.” But sources say that private conversations put the Prime Minister in a different light:

“But you’re wizards! You can do magic! Surely you can sort out – well – anything!”

This just confirms the wizarding world’s impression that muggles are useless and should be ignored as usual practice.

Representing the National Wands Association, Supreme Mugwump Charlie Hespound of the International Confederation of Wizards believes that all wizards have the right to carry wands:

“Who do you think we are; muggles over the pond in those blasted foreign unions? We have rights as wizards here at Hogwarts. If anyone wants to own a dragon that can spew fireballs at 30 a second, their rights as a wizard should allow the purchase of an egg. If you take a student’s wand how could the students protect themselves if the Ministry of Magic were once again taken over by someone like Voldemort? I’ll give the Ministry of Magic my wand when they pry it from my cold, dead hands.”

Some wand proponents believe that professors at Hogwarts should be authorized to use more violent magic in order to prevent school dueling. They call this the “arm the professors” policy, and they point out that all Hogwarts professors are already carrying wands.

Illusionist Mikel Moorish has been spotted on Owler spreading messages against wand ownership:

“I hate to say it, but killing spells are our way. We began our Wizarding world w/ genocide, then built it w/ house elves. The magical violence will continue- it’s who we are

“The NWA hates freedom. They don’t want you to have the freedom to send your children to Hogwarts & expect them to come home alive”

Mr. Moorish is referring to the fact that Aurors were permitted to use Unforgivable Curses during the First Wizarding War. When the Ministry of Magic was taken over by Voldemort’s regime, the curses were temporarily made legal. Ownership of house elves is still an ongoing debate, with people decrying anyone using elf contractual labor as elfists.

Some have felt it necessary to compare today’s debate over wand control to The Dark Lord’s brief reign. Eyrik Illuminatis, an assistant professor of wizarding history, even made threats against the Supreme Mugwump on Owler:

“I was heartbroken in the first 20 mass student duels. Now I want Hespound’s head on a stick.

“First mudblood to say the solution is for Hogwarts professors to use violent magic needs to get beaten to death.

“Charlie Hespound and the group National Wands Association are secret Death Eaters and should be dealt with as such.”

Others don’t want the politics of wand ownership to intrude on a time they say should be reserved for remembering the victims. Some people have organized an effort on WizardWall to remember the victims through acts of kindness.

The boy who lived, Harry Potter, declined to comment on proposed wand control legislation, although he appeared to be a wee bit nervous at the prospect.

This is the Daily Prophet, reporting parodies… cough, news to all wizards and witches everywhere. Do you think that wand ownership should be restricted?