Top 25 English Expressions That Should (Legally) Get You Punched In The Teeth

English expressions are, unfortunately, not as diverse as the language itself. Chances are pretty good you’ve heard one of these top 25 we’re about to present in the last 24 hours. Upon hearing it, you probably had the overwhelming urge to punch someone in the teeth. Maybe you said it. We’ve been guilty a time or two as well. But that still doesn’t make it right. And if you can’t do it yourself, then you should have someone do it for you. It’s the only way you’ll learn.

25. Eyes bigger than stomach

What does this mean? Too much food, too little stomach space? I get it. You’re hungry. Or maybe you’re not. Who knows? Just speak English, will ya?

24. Beggars can’t be choosers.

Tell that to Mitt Romney.

23. Pardon the pun.

If you’re not punning, why call attention to it, and if you are punning, then it should be clever enough for the audience to get it without you having to explain.

22. Sharpest crayon in the box/knife in the drawer.

Yeah, we get it, he/she is slow of wit …

21. A few sandwiches short of a picnic.

… And maybe a little crazy …

20. Not the brightest bulb in the fixture.

… And stupid.

19. It’s the least I could do.

Oh, was it? Then thanks for doing as little as humanly possible. Nice to know you were holding back.

18. Excuse my French OR Pardon my French.

Um, unless you were really speaking French, this entry on our list of English expressions doesn’t make any sense.

17. I could care less.

Oh, so you’re interested?

16. For crying out loud …

Of all the English expressions on our list, this is one of the hardest to understand. It adds nothing.

15. For what it’s worth …

And neither does this one. Lose it.

14. You shouldn’t judge.

Oh, okay, we’ll just leave all that to you, Judge-y McJudgerson.

13. Your friend died so heaven could get another angel.

If religious scholarship serves me correctly, angels existed before humanity, and nowhere in the Bible does it ever say that dead people become angels. Besides, God supposedly created Man in his image, placing Man above angels in the heavenly hierarchy. So, your friend died because God thought he should be demoted.

12. It was part of God’s plan.

Hm. It was part of God’s plan to have these parents bind and gag their toddler to the point of suffocation? It was part of God’s plan for this little guy to get leukemia and die an agonizing death, so his parents could have their entire world jerked out from under them? It was part of God’s plan that this little girl be taken away from her parents only to die in the foster care system from a severe head injury? Just don’t. Sometimes bad people do bad things for no good reason. Sometimes terminal illness happens to little ones, who don’t deserve it. Sometimes a maniac goes in to a school and shoots about two dozen children. I don’t care about your intentions. Stop speaking for God. You’re not qualified.

11. I’m just saying …

Yes, we’re aware you’re saying something out of your soon-to-be punched mouth. We just don’t know what this entry on our English expressions list has to do with any of it.

10. It’s none of my business, but …

I’m going to make it my business anyway.

9. I’m pooped.

Disgusting.

8. Sounds like somebody’s got a case of the Mondays.

Blast you, Office Space.

7. You can’t have your cake, and eat it, too.

If I have a cake, what else am I going to do with it?

6. You’re comparing apples to oranges.

This entry on our list of English expressions is generally used to denote that two things are too different to compare. But as StupidExpressions.com notes, both are round, both have vitamins, both grow on trees, and are considered fruits. Sounds pretty similar to me.

5. It is what it is.

Brilliant insight.

4. Free gift.

When you pay for something, it’s no longer a gift. When something’s a gift, it’s ALWAYS free. Next time you hear someone say this, “free gift” them a punch in the teeth.

3. Guesstimate.

Attention: an estimate is a guess. This would be like, the next time you ate a spicy roast beef sandwich, you announced to friends, “I need a bathroom, I must defecrap.” Just because you can connect two words in seamless fashion, doesn’t mean you should.

2. Breaking OR Breaking News

The most overused term in journalism today. If you’re like us, when you hear it, you expect to hear actual news (i.e. JFK assassination), but too often news outlets use it to denote that Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab or that Amanda Bynes has set something on fire.

1. Now I’m not a racist, but …

I’m not racist but I’m 90 percent sure those black kids across the street are drug dealers.

I’m not racist but I always thought a southern plantation style wedding reception would be cool.

I’m not racist but can you try this Aunt Jemima costume on and see if it fits?

Which of these English expressions are about to drive you to violence?

[Image via Office Space film]