8:27 Red carpet over! 2010 Academy Awards set to begin in three minutes!
8:30: NPH in a glitter vest opens the show, makes cracks about all the nominees.
8:35 Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin take the stage. Nothing is happening so far.
8:38 Obligatory Precious love. No awards yet. Why is George Clooney so mad?
8:44 Penelope Cruz presents Best Supporting Actor. Matt Damon, Woody Harrelson, Christopher Plummer, Stanley Tucci and Christoph Waltz.
8:48 Christoph Waltz wins Best Supporting Actor.
8:50 Ryan Reynolds is telling us about “The Blind Side.”
8:55 Cameron Diaz and Steve Carell are presenting for Best Animated Feature Film. “Coraline,” “Fantastic Mr. Fox,” “The Secret of Kells,” “The Princess and The Frog,” and “Up.”
“Up” wins Best Animated Feature Film.
9:01 Amanda Seyfried and Miley Cyrus are doing Best Original Song.
Ryan Bingham and T-Bone Burnett win Best Original Song for “The Weary Kind” from “Crazy Heart.”
9:05 Chris Pine, who is apparently famous, is telling us about “District 9.”
9:12 Robert Downey Jr. and Tina Fey are being cute. Best Original Screenplay nominees: “The Hurt Locker,” “Inglorious Basterds,” “The Messenger,” “A Serious Man,” and “Up.”
Mark Boal, “The Hurt Locker” for Best Original Screenplay.
9:17 Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick eulogize John Hughes. Okay, Kevin Bacon didn’t age and Alec Baldwin looks like his dad now. Alec Baldwin is still hotter. Everyone who hasn’t worked since “The Breakfast Club,” please get up on stage now.
9:24 Samuel L. Jackson and an “Up” montage.
9:28 Carey Mulligan and Zoe Saldana present Best Animated Short.
“Logorama” wins Best Animated Short.
“Music by Prudence” wins Best Documentary Short.
Some cafeteria lady crashed the stage and that guy got musicked off. Sad.
“The New Tenants” wins Best Live Action Short.
9:37 Ben Stiller is unfunny in blue makeup. Oh, he’s presenting Best Makeup. I get it.
“Star Trek” wins Best Makeup. That lady’s dress and bangs are awesome.
9:43 Jeff Bridges. That’s just like, your opinion, man.
9:47 Rachel McAdams and Jake Gyllenhaal are doing Best Adaptation.
“Precious” wins Best Adaptation.
9:52 Queen Latifah! Yay!
Breaking: Lauren Bacall is *not* dead. Robin Williams is presenting Best Supporting Actress. Penelope Cruz, “Nine,” Vera Farmiga, “Up in the Air,” Maggie Gyllenhaal, “Crazy Heart,” Anna Kendrick, “Up in the Air,” Mo’Nique, “Precious.”
Mo’Nique wins Best Supporting Actress!
Sigourney Weaver is presenting for Best Art Direction.
“Avatar” wins Best Art Direction.
10:08 Tom Ford and Sarah Jessica Parker present Best Costume Design.
“The Young Victoria” wins Best Costume Design. Also, SJP’s hair is like, super frizzy.
10:12 Charlize Theron: these are my boobs.
10:22 Taylor Lautner presents a Horror tribute with Kristen Stewart. She’s just as bad as she is in the Twilight films.
Zac Efron and Anna Kendrick present Best Sound Editing.
Paul N.J. Ottosson wins Best Sound Editing for “The Hurt Locker.”
Paul N.J. Ottosson and Ray Beckett win Best Sound Mixing for “The Hurt Locker.”
10:28 Elizabeth Banks is recapping the Sci-Tech stuff. She looks fabulous.
John Travolta teaches us about “Inglorious Basterds.”
10:34 Sandra Bullock explains to everyone what cinematography is, presents Best Cinematography award.
Mauro Fiore wins Best Cinematography for “Avatar.”
10:38 Dead people montage. Demi Moore introduces, to quiet musak arrangement of the “Ghost” song.
10:45 Jennifer Lopez and Sam Worthington present some kind of extremely long and boring interpretive dance. Yawn.
Now they’re presenting Best Original Score. Wow, you can take the girl out of the Bronx, but you can’t take the Bronx out of the girl.
Michael Giacchini wins Best Score, for “Up.”
10:53 Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper present Best Visual Effects.
“Avatar” wins for Best Visual Effects.
11:01 Matt Damon presents Best Documentary Feature all by his lonesome.
“The Cove” wins Best Documentary. Matt Damon.
11:05 Tyler Perry appears out of drag.
“The Hurt Locker” wins Best Editing.
11:14 Quentin Tarantino and Pedro something-or-other are introducing Best Foreign Language Film.
The winner for Best Foreign Language Film is “The Secret in their Eyes.”
11:25 Michelle Pfeiffer presents Best Actor, and she’s making Jeff Bridges cry. George Clooney finally cracks a smile, all it took was a bit of effusive praise from Vera Farmiga. Julianne Moore explains the concept of “acting” in a mini-speech about Colin Firth. Oooh, Tim Robbins is also drawing tears, this time from Morgan Freeman. Colin Farrell gets all Irish and gay about Jeremy Renner.
Last year’s winner for Best Actress, Kate Winslet, is presenting Best Actor. She looks totally amazing in silver, which also warrants an award of some sort.
Nominees are Best Actor nominees are Jeff Bridges (“Crazy Heart”) George Clooney (“Up in the Air”), Colin Firth (“A Single Man”), Morgan Freeman (“Invictus”), and Jeremy Renner (“The Hurt Locker”). In the running for Best Actress are Sandra Bullock (“The Blind Side”), Helen Mirren (“The Last Station”), Carey Mulligan (“An Education”), Gabourey Sidibe (“Precious”) and Meryl Streep (“Julie Julia”).
Jeff Bridges wins Best Actor!
It’s cute how he keeps calling it showbiz. The non-winners look very disappointed.
11:40 A wild Oprah appears. Best Actress nominee stroking has begun. Nominees are:
Sandra Bullock, “The Blind Side,” Helen Mirren, “The Last Station,” Carey Mulligan, “An Education,” Gabourey Sidibe, “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire,” and Meryl Streep, “Julie Julia.”
OMG, what is going on with Oprah’s breasts? I think they’re sentient.
Meryl Streep. I think she wore that dress in Death Becomes Her. Kind of expecting her head to be backwards.
Sean Penn is presenting Best Actress.
Best Actress goes to Sandra Bullock!
She’s shouting out all the women that didn’t win, and the family from “The Blind Side.”
11:52 Barbra Streisand is speculating on whether a black guy (Lee Daniels), a woman (Kathryn Bigelow), or one of three white men will win Best Director.
Best Director goes to Kathryn Bigelow for “The Hurt Locker.”
11:58 “The Hurt Locker” wins Best Film! (Abruptly.)
The 82nd Annual Academy Awards have concluded, and everyone is all, “ha, ha, James Cameron!”