Beanie Feldstein Pens Heartfelt Letter About Her Brother Jordan’s Death

Actress Beanie Feldstein opens up about the way her brother's death has transformed her perspective on the world around her.

Beanie Feldstein smiles on the red carpet.
Kimberly White / Getty Images

Actress Beanie Feldstein opens up about the way her brother's death has transformed her perspective on the world around her.

Jordan Feldstein was the manager of Maroon 5 and the older brother of actors Beanie Feldstein and Jonah Hill. He died unexpectedly in December 2017 of a pulmonary embolism, leaving his family shocked and heartbroken. He was just 40-years-old. Jordan’s loss left a gaping hole in the lives of his loved ones. Now, Beanie is opening up about her brother’s death and the way the tragedy affected nearly every aspect of her life. In a heartfelt essay for InStyle, she described her personal journey through the grief process, according to Fox News. She re-posted the article on her own Instagram account.

Beanie was very close to Jordan and revealed that throughout his life he’d given her many things, including her own name. He was a devoted father to his sons and a caring older brother. Beanie is now 25-years-old and has acted in acclaimed films such as Lady Bird, Booksmart, and Neighbors 2. Her life and career continue to move forward but nothing is the same as before Jordan’s death, nor will it ever be. She described the process of grief like putting on a pair of glasses through which the perspective on the world is altered. She will never be able to take these “grief glasses” off.

“It cannot be contained or summarized or enclosed… To describe the wound grief leaves if you have not experienced it is to come to it hazy and out of focus.”

The actress described her desire to be able to “rip my grief glasses off my face and have it all be a dream.”

Nevertheless, her grief has also allowed her to feel more alive, in a sense. Rather than just going through the motions of life, she now has a newfound appreciation for the world around her.

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“And these glasses make me see the world differently than I did before. The colors bleed together more vividly. But they are somehow more than they ever were before. More visceral. More vibrant. More present. Simultaneously more awe-inspiring and more aching.”

Beanie mentioned that when you lose a loved one, it is like joining a club that isn’t spoken about. It is a club you share with others whose lives have also been permanently altered by the loss of a loved one. Those that have not experienced a loss so deep cannot fully understand the extent of grief or how the process changes through time. However, it was through that grief that Beanie was able to see humanity in a new light.