When a couple undergoes a tragedy such as a miscarriage or stillbirth, the father does not always receive the same support as the mother. Not everyone realizes that the father is also likely in great pain and needs time to process the loss and grieve. After one father experienced the crippling loss of losing not one but two children to miscarriages, he is aiming to help other dads find a way through their grief.
According to Today, Kelly Farley lost his daughter Katie to a miscarriage in 2004. He was absolutely devastated by the loss and unsure of how to deal with his grief. Despite his pain, he didn’t know what else to do but return to work and go on with life as normal. Two years later, his wife became pregnant with a second child, a son named Noah. Unfortunately, Noah entered the world stillborn. Once again, Farley returned to work not knowing what else to do.
Farley said that he could only manage to keep his pain hidden for so long. He began to find himself crying in the car and hiding his grief from his wife Christine. He began to consult doctors and therapists assuring them that it was something other than depression that was tearing his life apart. “I have always been taught if you bury it deep enough it eventually goes away. That doesn’t apply to the death of a child,” he told Today.
“We are not meant to carry the burden.”
Do you know of an Amazing Dad in your neighborhood? If yes, let him know! Celebrating Dads everyday! DADLY Dads is 1st coffee table book to feature dads. 115 dads from variety of family dynamics and 11 countries. Today we feature Kelly Farley https://t.co/EV2lqEertC pic.twitter.com/b7X162UZp4
— Hogan Hilling (@SpeakUpDads) August 6, 2018
In time, Farley was able to find a way to heal through the proper therapy. Now, he wants other fathers to know that it is okay to mourn a loss such as this one in whatever way it takes to cope. Men should not be ashamed of their pain or afraid to seek necessary help to get through it. Farley shared his experiences with the pain of miscarriage and stillbirth in a book, Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back. He also offers assistance and counsel to other grieving fathers around the world through workshops and online forums.
He hopes that his efforts will help destroy the stigma around fathers and pregnancy loss and open a discussion where dads can discuss their pain openly and without judgment. He says that he often has trouble getting men to show up to workshops at first due to their unwillingness to be vulnerable. However, when they do reach out and accept the help they need they are able to live their lives in a way that properly honors the memory of their children.