Techie Turkey Tips

As technology advances, sometimes it’s the little things that remind us what a pain in the ass some tasks used to be before the internet.

Roasting your first (or 50th) Thanksgiving turkey used to be a bit of a hassle, especially because- let’s face it- turkey kind of sucks and no one ever eats it besides on Thanksgiving unless they’re in Frontierworld in Disneyworld or on some kind of a sad, tasteless diet. No one knows how to thaw a turkey or what turkey cooking times are, much less how to brine a turkey so it doesn’t taste as much like dry sponge.

Nowadays, resources to help you cook your turkey without setting the kitchen on fire or overcooking the outer parts while giving the whole family salmonella abound. Hands down, the best one-stop shop for turkey morons is on Butterball’s site.

Butterball’s Tips section has a handy calculators page to provide specific information based on the amount of guests you’re hosting and tells you what size turkey you’ll need. And based on whether you’re defrosting it in the fridge or in cold water (you’d better get cracking either way), the site lets you know exactly how long that will take.

Interestingly, the site still says it’s okay to stuff a turkey, and even tells you how to brine a turkey– although that takes at least six hours. If you’re too much of a pretentious foodie to listen to Butterball and you enjoy building things before shoving food into your face, you can always check out Alton Brown’s turkey recipe.

Lastly, if you’re too overwhelmed and effing up Thanksgiving for the whole family, bear in mind you can call a real live human at 1-800-BUTTERBALL (1-800-288-8372).