In her new memoir, The Secrets of My Life, Caitlyn Jenner opened up about her struggles before coming out and transitioning into her “authentic self.”
In a particularly candid passage from the book, the I Am Cait star talked about hiding her true self behind the facade of the world-famous athlete Bruce Jenner.
“They don’t know that underneath the business suit I am wearing panties and a bra.”
“That I am not Bruce Jenner but a woman I will come to call Caitlyn, who still has to be Bruce except for stolen moments where I can be my authentic self,” she wrote.
Caitlyn Jenner was first thrust into the national spotlight when she, who was then known as Bruce, won an Olympic gold in 1976. Bruce Jenner became an instant American hero and later became an in-demand motivational speaker on topics such as self-empowerment.
In The Secrets of My Life, Caitlyn says that the whole thing was a farce.
“The speech that I give is called ‘Finding the Champion Within,'” she recalled. “All bulls***.”
According to her memoir, she did more than wear women’s underwear under Bruce’s suits before she came out to her family. Caitlyn said that she also used to steal makeup from then-wife Kris Jenner and from the rest of the Kardashian household.
She would also buy makeup how-to books and hide them, along with a small collection of women’s clothing, in a locked compartment in the back of her closet. Caitlyn admitted that she stole some of those clothes from Kris and that she would regularly dress up as a woman when no one was around.
But all of these, done on the sly, just weren’t enough. In The Secrets of My Life, Caitlyn Jenner talks about the deep and relentless yearning to become a woman.
“They don’t know that when I look into the mirror I see something entirely different, a body I loathe: a beard that is noticeable no matter how close the shave, a penis that is useless except for pissing in the woods.”
Jenner, who also revealed that she had only slept with five women in her life (three of whom she was married to), underwent gender confirmation surgery this year.
She transitioned in 2015 and introduced Caitlyn Jenner to the world via the cover of Vanity Fair. Since then, she has become one of the most famous trans women in the world and one of the most visible LGBT athletes. Caitlyn is an outspoken supporter of LGBT rights and has participated in events benefiting at-risk trans youth.
But while Caitlyn Jenner seems to have finally found her footing, her ex is not too pleased with her latest accomplishment.
In a promo clip for the Sunday episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Kris Jenner blasts Caitlyn’s memoir and says that it unfairly portrays her as a b**ch and an a**hole.
“Everything she says is all made up,” Kris says about her former husband.
The Keeping Up With the Kardashians star and popular “momager” also says that it is untrue that she knew Caitlyn was transgender early in their relationship. An exasperated Kris tells her daughters Kim and Khloe Kardashian that though she has tried hard to save her relationship with Caitlyn, she’s now done. She says that she will no longer let herself be used to make someone else look better.
“I’ve done nothing but open up my home, and my heart, to a person who doesn’t give a s**t.”
“So, I’m done,” she adds in the scene from KUWTK.
“I’ve never been so angry and disappointed in somebody in my whole life.”
Keeping Up With the Kardashians airs Sundays at 9 p.m. on E!.
[Featured Image by Kevin Winter/Getty Images]