’50 Shades Darker’ Reviews: Critics Universally Pan ‘Utterly Ridiculous’ Film

It’s a film about a woman in an emotionally abusive relationship who then has to give up her physical free will, all while calling it “true love” like a victim of Stockholm Syndrome. What could possibly go wrong?

The 50 Shades Darker reviews are in, and let’s just say that the critics are none too pleased with the latest edition to the 50 Shades canon. Lax acting, a weak plot, an obvious misrepresentation of BDSM culture, and sex scenes that try to be erotic and end up being hilarious are just a few of the things the first round of 50 Shades Darker reviews skewers mercilessly.

One of the first of the worst 50 Shades Darker reviews comes courtesy of Seattle Post-Intelligencer. The outlet drags Jamie Dornan for absolute blood, filth, bone and slander, calling his depiction of Christian Grey “ridiculous” and other less-than-complimentary phrases.

“He’s a singularly ridiculous cocktail of money, abs and sex toys. He’s like some kind of humorless combination of James Bond and Dirk Diggler, both debonair and dirty. More plausible figures of masculine fantasy include the Backstreet Boys and Roger Rabbit.”

Roger Rabbit? Geez.

Dornan’s co-star, Dakota Johnson, didn’t fare much better in the 50 Shades Darker reviews. Johnson, who plays Anastasia Steele, was credited for being “normal,” but as The Daily Beast put it, they “laughed until they cried” at her performance.

And all that “wild, passionate sex” that Dornan and Johnson are supposedly engaging in on-screen and off-screen? Non-existent. In fact, the two can’t stand each other, and most of the “performance” is them expressing their mutual disdain.

“Aside from bad writing, it’s clear that Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan probably don’t like each other that much in real life. This mutual dislike explains the lack of passion between these characters, who often seem to be summoning the level of apathy usually reserved for actual pornography.”

Other words peppered throughout the outlet’s review of the film include “asinine,” “ridiculous,” and “sad.” Does anyone like this film?

According to the Seattle Times, none of the 50 Shades Darker reviews are positive. Quite the opposite, in fact: they’re downright excoriating.

When the first sentence of one review reads, “deeply clueless woman meets deeply clueless man, round two,” you already know that this isn’t going to end well. And it only gets worse from there: another newspaper gave the film “zero stars” out of a possible five, calling it “breathtakingly, pulse-poundingly bad” and encouraging its readers to “whip themselves” after watching the film.

“An abusive-relationship fantasy about a wide-eyed young innocent and the handsome billionaire who yearns to smack her, this sequel manages the neat trick of being more explicit yet less erotic and far goofier than 2015’s ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’ From its dominant top to its submissive bottom, it’s utterly ridiculous.”

How much worse can the 50 Shades Darker reviews get? Apparently, a lot worse.

“Ana and Christian consummate some more, with accessories. Christian tells Ana that he is compelled to abuse women, because he is so very damaged, and then allows Ana to touch his chest and gives her a big diamond. All is forgiven! Love conquers all! Has anyone checked Ana for a pulse?”

So how bad are the 50 Shades Darker reviews? Tire fire bad.

[Featured Image by Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images]