Gwyneth Paltrow’s luxe lifestyle website, Goop, is once again offering a mix of outrageously expensive, horrifyingly tacky, and all-around cringeworthy gifts in its 2016 gift guide.
Goop is offering 10 different Goop gift guides for 2016, including gift collections for travelers, lovers, hosts, health nuts, cooks, kids, and thinkers, among others. Other gift guides are just for personalized items and stocking stuffers (gifts under $100), while one is dubbed “The Ridiculous, But Awesome Gift Guide.”
“Because it wouldn’t be a goop gift guide without a portable yurt,” Goop says.
And yes, among the top most ridiculous gifts for the year, a Mongolian yurt has to top the list.
“For 10 plus years, Groovyyurts has been working with families in rural areas of Mongolia to develop authentic Mongolian yurts adapted to North American conditions,” El Cosmico Provision Co. says about its $8,300 yurt. They offer door-to-door shipping but you’d better act fast. They say you’ll need to contact them to find out how much lead time you need to have it delivered by Christmas, along with calculations for shipping costs.
But wait. It gets worse. Perhaps from the lovers’ gift guide, your sweetheart would like some $39 pubic hair oil?
“For those who prefer to go au naturel in the bikini area, this essential-oil blend not only treats pubic hair, it also clears pores and soothes hair follicles for fewer ingrowns and healthier skin,” Goop raves.
Scarymommy, which included the pubic oil in their round-up of hilariously unsexy Goop gifts from their lovers collection, also takes issue with the listing of tea tree oil for its antimicrobial properties. “The no-nonsense packaging (FOR PUBIC HAIR) is almost as romantic as the thought of putting burning tea tree oil near your vagina,” they said.
For jewelry lovers, there’s the oh-so-classy “Rubies Boobies” necklace for $507.
“Made in gold-plated silver, this ruby-encrusted bust pendant is deeply luxurious and adorably tongue-in-cheek,” says Goop. On the other hand, perhaps for “tongue-in-cheek options,” buyers would go for the matching $370 “derriere necklace” instead.
Continuing with the theme of overpriced gifts related to rear ends, you can also check out the Toilet Paper Little Butt Table for $416.25 (with free shipping). That one joins several dozen other horrifying and overpriced gifts in Goop’s gift guide for lovers.
What about health nuts? Don’t worry, they’re covered too.
There’s the fresh “human grade” dog food delivery service, that delivers fresh-made gourmet dog food right to your door. Want to know the cost? You’ll need to fill out a questionnaire to get a quote.
There’s also a $700 juicer or a $496 “meditation cushion” set. Health nuts would apparently also enjoy a set of four singing bowls for $372 or a $100 one-hour tarot card reading, just to name a few of the selections there.
Many of the gift choices in the “under 18” gift guide are downright normal, but Goop had to put a few over-the-top items in that section, too, like an $80 hand-knit stuffed Sriracha bottle plushie made from baby alpaca wool or a $1,499 Onewheel.
What would thinkers like for the holidays? Apparently, ashtrays, as most of them seem to smoke from the looks of this gift guide. There’s the Octahedron Table Lighter and Ashtray Set for $1,250, or the much more affordable Poglia horse ashtray for only $125. There’s even a “pot box” subscription service, since Goop thinkers apparently also smoke more than cigarettes.
Thinkers would apparently also like a box of “brain dust,” which Goop says is “alchemized to align you with the mighty cosmic flow needed for great achievement.” They also say it tastes especially good with nut milks.
BRAIN FLOW// Gang's all here! Cold brew, Brain Dust, and almond cream. 10 second alchemy tricks for the tricky and not so tricky. Brain Dust is an enlightening edible formula alchemized to align you with the mighty cosmic flow needed for great achievement, or just Tuesday! #moondusted #edibleintelligence
And on the Goop guide for ridiculous but awesome gifts?
The Elvie Pelvic Floor Exercise Tracker is quite a gift for that special someone. This $199 medical-grade silicone device makes working out your pelvic floor “incredibly easy and surprisingly fun,” Goop promises.
The small pod even links to an app via Bluetooth and tracks your progress as you go through five-minute, “game-like” pelvic floor exercises.
We’ll let you figure out why you’d want to do that yourself.
Of course, there are lots more, from late actor Dennis Hopper’s personal record collection for $150,000, to a driving lesson from the Formula 3 Racing School for $1,495-$5,995, to a $114 tube of toothpaste (yes, really).
Don’t get your hopes up about that $114 tube of toothpaste though. It currently only has a three-star review at Amazon.
[Featured Image by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images]