Like It Or Not, Either A Nuclear Tentacle Beast Or An Epidemic Of Brain-Eating Bacteria Will Be President

My dear readers, we face a critical moment in our nation’s history. We now run the risk of a radioactive monstrosity being placed in the most powerful political position in the world. This is the single most important election of all time. You must make sure that you get out to the polls and vote An Epidemic of Brain-Eating Bacteria for President of the United States.

I understand that not everyone is excited about these two choices. Some of you may be considering staying home on November 8th or voting for a third-party candidate like Jill Stein or Gary Johnson. You must resist this temptation at all cost! While you may feel that a third-party candidate better represents your personal values, such as military non-interventionism or not having your brain devoured by bacteria while you scream and die a slow, horrific death, now is not the time for a protest vote. A vote for a third party is a vote for Nuclear Tentacle Beast.

An Epidemic of Brain-Eating Bacteria will make a good president. Not a great president, but a good one.
An Epidemic of Brain-Eating Bacteria will make a good president. Not a great president, but a good one. [Image vis Shutterstock]

Whatever reservations you may have about An Epidemic of Brain-Eating Bacteria, be it the unusual nature of its victory in the primaries or its controversial policy of eating the entire brain of everyone you know and love, I urge you to reconsider. Many highly-respected voices in the news media and politics vouch for An Epidemic of Brain-Eating Bacteria’s character, and its experience across all ranges of the political spectrum are second to none.

Compare that to Nuclear Tentacle Beast, who stays up far into the wee hours tweeting such outrageous things as “BLAAAAACH GWOK VZZZZ!” and “BREAH DROBBA VOM WOM!” Take a look at that sort of behavior, as well as its entirely unacceptable murderous rampage through San Francisco earlier this year when it killed thousands of people and destroyed the Golden Gate Bridge, and you get a clear picture of what sort of President it would be. Is that the sort of world you want to raise your children in? Not me.

I sometimes hear very disconcerting arguments, like “But Jill Stein is a human being like me, and she isn’t trying to devour the brain of everyone on earth,” or “But I prefer Gary Johnson’s stances on marijuana legalization and not directly causing human extinction,” but this is simply not grasping the reality of the situation. Like it or not, one of two candidates will be sworn in on January 20th, 2017, and it will not be a member of the human species.

Nuclear Tentacle Beast on one of its infamous all-night Twitter rants.
Nuclear Tentacle Beast on one of its infamous all-night Twitter rants. [Image by Shutterstock]

I also hear people objecting on the basis of not wanting to have to choose between the “lesser of two evils.” I say that’s rubbish. This is not a matter of choosing between the lesser of two evils, it’s a matter of choosing between the very obvious evil of a narcissistic space mutant that openly says obscene things and topples skyscrapers with a single blow, and the competent guidance of an experienced bacterial pestilence that just wants to eat a few brains.

The human candidates can’t hold a candle to that. Gary Johnson didn’t even know what Aleppo was, for goodness sake! Is that the sort of person you want as Commander-in-Chief? Someone who is so disinterested in foreign policy that he won’t even learn the names of high-profile embattled cities, let alone slowly dissolve the brains of their inhabitants?

And Jill Stein is no better, with her ridiculous calls for non-corporate research on America’s health decisions and her difficult-to-implement student debt forgiveness program. She should be withdrawing from the race, not stealing votes from An Epidemic of Brain-Eating Bacteria while leveling unfair, unsubstantiated accusations at it such as “It’s really stupid and crazy that an actual, literal plague is a presidential candidate” and “Seriously, how is this even a thing?” That sort of disingenuous rhetoric is doing nothing but handing Nuclear Tentacle Beast the keys to the Oval Office.

So think carefully, my friends. You have two choices. The future is in your hands.

[Featured Image by Shutterstock]