If you’re a disgruntled American voter looking for a better option, Vermin Supreme may be your guy. He’s been running on the Democratic ticket in New Hampshire during every presidential election cycle since 1992. Today, Vermin Supreme is bringing some much-needed lightness into a vicious general election that has many young Americans wishing they could vote for a world-ending meteor rather than Clinton or Trump. Back in late June, roughly 13 percent of millennials would have preferred to vote for the giant meteor. Now, just two weeks away from election day, that number has nearly doubled.
Which brings us to Vermin Supreme. A presidential option that doesn’t require humanity to go the way of the dinosaur. He might sound too good to be true, but as ABC 2 News reports, he’s a real guy. A real guy with a real platform. In fact, Vermin Supreme’s platform may appeal to many voters because it has absolutely nothing to do with either building a wall or questionable email servers.
So what is Vermin Supreme trying to sell to the American voter? What could the man with the boot hat have that neither Hillary Clinton nor Donald Trump could claim? First and foremost, and vividly illustrated at last night’s Al Smith dinner, Vermin Supreme has a sense of humor that people actually find humorous.
If nothing else, Vermin Supreme is consistently funny. In the video above, he can be seen trying to woo potential Rand Paul voters with something a little sweeter than political rhetoric. Namely, candy. Did Rand Paul give his potential voters candy? It doesn’t appear so. To be fair to Rand, though, Vermin Supreme seems to have skimped a little bit when it comes to candy quality, and his little bag of sugary freebies didn’t contain any chocolate.
One thing Vermin Supreme is (and has been for nearly two and a half decades) is consistent. He has a focused political platform that gets to the heart of many actual and hypothetical issues facing concerned American voters. His political platform contains four points, and unlike rivals Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, Vermin Supreme rarely gets tongue-tied or turns to so-called locker room talk when discussing his presidential goals.
“I have four planks to my platform. Zombie preparedness… time travel research… mandatory toothbrushing laws… free ponies for all Americans.”
But who pays for those free ponies? According to Vermin Supreme, that’s a silly question posed by potential voters not paying close enough attention. Vermin Supreme’s free ponies are free.
According to Vermin Supreme, he will “promise anything your little electorate heart desires,” but he has no intention of keeping any of his promises. During a 2013 New Hampshire Institute of Politics event, Vermin Supreme was questioned about his support for “government entitlement programs,” with regard to his promise to provide a free pony to all Americans.
Vermin Supreme went on to speak about his plans for clean energy. His ultimate goal? To harness the free and clean power of wrangled zombies (presumably leftover from the impending zombie apocalypse) and giant “hamster wheel” turbines to provide energy for all. He also attempted to turn a political rival “gay” with a song, a dance, and a handful (or two) of glitter. Check it out below.
Because he’s been running for president in the New Hampshire primaries (yes, Vermin Supreme has been on the official state ballot) for decades, Vermin Supreme has had the opportunity to interact with a wide array of other presidential hopefuls and their campaign teams. This election cycle, during the primaries, Vermin Supreme actually had a talk with Eric Trump, son of Donald Trump, and epically trolled some Donald Trump supporters at a campaign event.
Complete with his boot hat and giant toothbrush, Vermin Supreme made it clear that while free ponies and zombie apocalypses might come and go, gingivitis and tooth decay are threats that stand the test of time.
“I stand for mandatory toothbrushing laws. Now friends, some people will tell you this mandatory toothbrushing law is about the DNA gene-splicing of winged monkeys to access tooth-training forces. No it is not. Nor is it about the dental reeducation centers. It is not about the preventive dental maintenance detention facilities. It is not about the government-issued toothpaste containing an addictive yet harmless substance. It is not about even the computer chip dental implants to keep track of you and your children. What this mandatory toothbrushing law is really about is strong teeth for a strong America.”
While trolling the massive group of Trump supporters (two angry women) at the political event below, Vermin Supreme got booted to a less-than-respectable position outside of the fence. He also blew the minds of Trump supporters when he told them (in all seriousness) that Vermin Supreme is a legitimate candidate, one listed on the New Hampshire primary ballot. Ultimately, Trump’s campaign-sign-holding ladies didn’t seem to want Vermin Supreme in their personal space or as part of their “Make America Great Again” election.
According to Vermin, however, America doesn’t need to be made great again. America is already great. It would just be a little bit greater with better oral health and free ponies.
According to Vermin Supreme, he’s not only Donald Trump’s competition; he’s Donald Trump’s political inspiration. Yep, Vermin Supreme is claiming personal responsibility for the “Trump Train.”
“Well of course I believe that I paved the way for Donald Trump. I’ve brought ridiculousness to politics, and he saw an opening and he jumped on in there.”
Vermin Supreme did bring ridiculousness into politics. But, despite his legitimate spot on the New Hampshire primary ballot, he’s a so-called “joke candidate” and he knows it. His real job? Mr. Supreme is a beloved performance artist with a background in soul-crushing political satire and commentary.
And while Vermin Supreme was on the New Hampshire primary ballot, that ship has sailed. He’s not on any ballot anywhere anymore. In case you missed the memo, he didn’t get rousing support in the primaries, and ultimately, Hillary Clinton became the nation’s Democratic presidential candidate. So while you can’t vote for Vermin Supreme on any official general election ballot, you could write him in for laughs, or you could just wait for the giant meteor so many have pinned all of their hopes for the future on.
[Featured Image by a katz/Shutterstock]