Hulk Hogan’s sex tape is about as awkward, mundane, and un-sexy as humanly possible. You have been warned.
But let’s be honest. We don’t want sex tapes because they’re supposed to be sexy. As Gawker points out, “we come away satisfied that when famous people have sex it’s closer to the sex we as civilians have from time to time.” It’s dull, it’s mundane, it’s boring. No matter how sexy you think Robert Pattinson or Shakira are, you’d find that their sextapes contain more smoke and bathroom breaks than raw, animal passion laid out on a bed of roses. And even if our beloved celebs tried to be sexy, it would come off as awkward as it does when regular chums try to make sex sexy with scented candles and a Friday night Dave Matthews iTunes mix blaring uncomfortably in the background.
Enter 59-year-old former “wrassler” and reality TV star Hulk Hogan. His sex tape was secretly shopped as early as April, with TMZ initially reporting its existence. The mystery woman in the clip is thought to be Heather Clem, the ex-wife of Hogan’s best friend, a radio DJ named Bubba the Love Sponge. Tragically, the way Hogan talks to her, she sounds more like a casual call girl (he even thanks her).
Gawker wrote up a full review on the 30-minute tape and posted an uncomfortable one-minute segment of it. I haven’t had the privilege of watching the full tape myself, but I think I can glean a few important things about it from the clip.
One: Hulk is way too concerned about his son, Nick. He keeps repeating that the two are set to meet later that night and appears to interrupt fellatio to check his phone to see if Nick has called. It’s possible that Hogan doesn’t even want to be there, saying, “Can’t believe I should be at home now and I’m here,” and seemingly looking for excuses to leave. After the sex, he rushes out talking about how he’s supposed to meet with Nick and won’t even stop for a chat with the mystery man in the other room who presumably put these two lovebirds together (to video tape them).
Two: Hulk is a “hot commodity.” He tells “Clem” a story about his son’s new girlfriend, who has a twin sister that rang him up one day, asking if his divorce was finalized yet. Once it is, Hulk says, she’s first in line to date him. We don’t know why Hogan chose to relate this particular anecdote as he tells the story post-coitus and doesn’t really need to try and impress the woman he’s running out on.
Three: Hulk ate way too much before the sex. He repeats several times that he’d just eaten prior to the … event … and that he “felt like a pig.” He just can’t believe it. How can people do the dirty right after they eat? Is there a rule, like swimming?
In conclusion, we love Hulk Hogan and can’t honestly believe that he had anything to do with leaking this adolescently honest and shy big-teddy-bear sextape, because it’s incredibly awkward. But we’re glad he seems to be doing well and that he’s happy.
And no, we didn’t post the clip here. The NSFW content doesn’t quite fit our editorial. But you can check it out (and a much funnier review of the whole tape) at Gawker. We’re just looking out, giving you the heads up if you hadn’t had it yet.
However, here’s a picture of the woman who may or may not be his co-star: