Bernie, We Love You, But We Will Never Vote For Hillary

See, it turns out that young people just aren't as excited about being told to fall in line and obey as they are about revolution and shaking up the status quo. Who knew, right?

Isn't it delicious how the Democrats thought they could use you, Bernie? They were all, "Well we've got Sanders, he's the guy the kids all like. We'll just point him at the kids and make them vote for Mrs. Clinton!" Pawing at Millennials' youthful enthusiasm like a mouth-breathing sophomore frantically fumbling with a bra strap. Trying to mechanically reconstruct the powerful groundswell of exuberant progressive idealism like an autistic trying to imitate conventional emotive social behavior by memorizing phrases and facial expressions.

We both know that's not how it works, though. That's not how any of this works. No matter how much you read from the script of party loyalty and tell us it's not time for a "protest vote" (whatever that is), there's no way to whip up enthusiasm for a warmongering corporate crony who cheated in the primaries and who'll say anything to get elected. Hillary has never come anywhere remotely close to attracting the kinds of crowds you attracted during your primary run, nobody's buying her new book, and an astonishing number of her supporters report that even they might just stay home on election day.

I love you Bernie, and I love the fact that what they're trying to use you for has absolutely no chance in hell of ever working. You gave the kids a grand tour of the guts of the corruption of the Democratic party and there is no way they can un-see that now. And I like to imagine you are secretly a little bit proud of how resolutely incorruptible your young revolters are.

Thank you so much for your bright, shining light, my beautiful man. You've worked so hard getting us to this point. You can rest now. We'll take it from here.

[Featured Image by AP Photo/John Minchillo]