Bernie, We Love You, But We Will Never Vote For Hillary

Bernie Sanders is a lovely, beautiful human being. Even when he's wrong.
Opinion

Dear Bernie Sanders,

Oh Bernie.

Bernie, Bernie, Bernie.

Okay. Can I just start off by saying how much I still love you? Thank you so much for all you’ve done for us. You took us so far, you dear, sweet man. Your dauntless will toward the greater good has brought me to tears more times than I can count. You are so sincere, so remarkably goodhearted and genuine in all your efforts, even when you’re dead wrong. Which takes me to the next thing I wanted to talk to you about.

The young people aren’t buying it, Bernie. The Millennial Generation which carried you so far, the generation which is exponentially better-networked, more informed and more plugged into the zeitgeist of the collective consciousness than any other generation in the history of our species, doesn’t seem to agree that Hillary Clinton is the best person to facilitate their desire for swift and radical change in this country.

I heard you spent the weekend touring for Hillary’s campaign, but from the looks of it you’re not pulling in even a tiny fraction of the interest your massive, stadium-packing appearances used to draw. I read your rally in Akron, Ohio, only drew 150 people. You used to routinely draw tens of thousands. I remember watching footage of the lines of people waiting to see you stretch on and on and on for blocks and blocks, and fuming with frustration about why the media isn’t paying any attention to this momentous phenomenon. Now you’re only gathering a couple hundred people if you’re lucky, and they’ve even had to cancel your other Ohio appearance.

See, it turns out that young people just aren’t as excited about being told to fall in line and obey as they are about revolution and shaking up the status quo. Who knew, right?

Isn’t it delicious how the Democrats thought they could use you, Bernie? They were all, “Well we’ve got Sanders, he’s the guy the kids all like. We’ll just point him at the kids and make them vote for Mrs. Clinton!” Pawing at Millennials’ youthful enthusiasm like a mouth-breathing sophomore frantically fumbling with a bra strap. Trying to mechanically reconstruct the powerful groundswell of exuberant progressive idealism like an autistic trying to imitate conventional emotive social behavior by memorizing phrases and facial expressions.

We both know that’s not how it works, though. That’s not how any of this works. No matter how much you read from the script of party loyalty and tell us it’s not time for a “protest vote” (whatever that is), there’s no way to whip up enthusiasm for a warmongering corporate crony who cheated in the primaries and who’ll say anything to get elected. Hillary has never come anywhere remotely close to attracting the kinds of crowds you attracted during your primary run, nobody’s buying her new book, and an astonishing number of her supporters report that even they might just stay home on election day.

No matter how much they’re told that your campaign forced Hillary to make “concessions” to the progressive agenda and that we’ll somehow magically be able to force her to honor them by electing her to the most powerful political office on the planet, the kids aren’t going to swallow it. You don’t hold someone’s feet to the fire by giving them more power, and the young people are smart and well-connected enough to recognize that obvious fact.

I love you Bernie, and I love the fact that what they’re trying to use you for has absolutely no chance in hell of ever working. You gave the kids a grand tour of the guts of the corruption of the Democratic party and there is no way they can un-see that now. And I like to imagine you are secretly a little bit proud of how resolutely incorruptible your young revolters are.

Thank you so much for your bright, shining light, my beautiful man. You’ve worked so hard getting us to this point. You can rest now. We’ll take it from here.

[Featured Image by AP Photo/John Minchillo]