British Royals Behaving Badly: How Common Can You Get!

The Duchess

Royal scandals are nothing new, only recently the Daily Mail treated us to an exclusive about how Queen Victoria’s Dirty Prince Bertie romped his way through the bordellos of Paris with a little help from his three-way love seat. A somewhat bizarre and slightly sinister device if ever there was one.

Yet despite being hit by enough scandals to make a tabloid editor weak at the knees and drool like a dog, Britain’s most prominent family march on regardless

Just for the merry hell of it. let’s trawl the gutter and see what Princes, Princesses, Kings, and Queens through0ut history are frontrunners in the revolting Royal stakes.

Henry VIII

King Henry VIII – Mr Loverman

Despite being a prematurely balding and portly ginger bearded psychopath with a gammy leg, King Henry VIII had something of a reputation as a Royal Lothario. The womanizing Welshman married a staggering six times He loved Anne Boleyn so much he booted the Catholic Church out of the country and appointed himself Supreme Head of the Church of England just so he could get a divorce and marry her. He later had Boleyn beheaded, and his fifth wife, Catherine Howard, was also given the chop. But spare a thought for wife number four, Anne of Cleaves, who was divorced for the cardinal sin of being “too ugly”.

Edward VII

Edward VII – The Playboy

Queen Victoria’s eldest son certainly didn’t inherit his mother’s conservative ways. A young adulthood free of responsibility, combined with the trappings of wealth, conspired to give Prince Bertie the chance to indulge hitself in all manner of hedonistic pursuits, from gambling and shooting to drinking and smoking. His biggest vice, however, was for the ladies and his affairs were legendary. As was his notorious three-way love seat, which the young royal was said to conquer gay Parie with. The most impressive notch on have-a-go Bertie’s bedpost was rumored to be one Lady Randolph Churchill, the mother of future Prime Minister Winston Churchill. Which gives new meaning to the term constitutional monarchy.

Princess Margaret Arrives In England

Princess Margaret – The Glamour girl

Loved by the paparazzi, loved by the men, the younger sister of the Queen was a born party girl. She loved both the high life and the rougher sex. The Countess of Snowdon never married her first love, divorced Group Captain Peter Townsend, but she later wed Lord Snowdon before welcoming a string of other men to her bed. Including Roddy Llewellyn, who was 17 years her junior. It’s rumored she even had an affair with Mick Jagger, but it’s debatable if she got any satisfaction from that particular dalliance.

Charles II

Charles II – The Merry Monarch

Restored to power in a Britain which had been left in a dour and desperate way after the puritanical blight of Oliver Cromwell, Charles II led the charge in a Britain that was determined to party. He symbolized the heady and decadent nature of the period and fathered over a dozen illegitimate kids in the process.

Prince Andrew, Duke of York Visits London's China Town

Prince Andrew – The Layabout

Considered to be the Queen’s favorite son, the Duke of York lives a very pampered and indulgent lifestyle even for a royal. He has come under fire for his relationships with disgraced US financier Jeffrey Epstein amongst others, but Prince Andrew’s strangest moment to date came in 2006 when Courtney Love claimed he had knocked on her door in the early hours seeking female company. A spokesperson admitted the prince had visited Love’s house but insisted it was for purely social reasons.

Prince Edward

Edward VIII – The Romantic

The Duke of Windsor remains the only king in history who gave up his kingdom for the woman he loved. In 1936 Edward wanted to marry the twice divorced American socialite Wallis Simpson. Parliament, and the church thought it would be unacceptable for such a woman to be the future Queen of England. The king told them to stick it and their precious crown and went to live in Europe and hang out with Adolph Hitler amongst others.

Queen Mary

Queen Mary – Little Miss Bloody

The daughter of Henry VIII and fervent Catholic had over 280 Protestants burned at the stake during her five year reign earning herself the nickname “Bloody Mary.” It was said that Mary was often sick with irregular menstruation and depression, which would explain a lot. To date, she is the only member of the royal family to have had a drink named after her.

William The Conqurer

William the Conqueror – The Bastard

Affectionately known as the bastard, the first Norman King of England was renowned for his cruelty and greed. Once his hold on Normandy was secured, the bastard fancied conquering England, so he hopped on a boat, crossed the channel, killed the Anglo Saxon King Harold at the Battle of Hastings in 1066, and it was pretty much job done. He then went on to launch an enthusiastic campaign of building castles everywhere to intimidate the locals and announce his crew’s arrival in no uncertain terms.

Richard III

Richard III – The Stone Cold Killer

Shakespeare depicted him as a monstrous hunchback with a withered arm, but there is a thriving cottage industry which believes Richard III has been badly maligned by Tudor propaganda. The official line is that the last Plantagenet king was a pretender to the throne who had his young nephews imprisoned and killed to consolidate his position. How much truth there is in that we’ll probably never know, but history loves a pantomime villain. Bones believed to belong to the murderous monarch were discovered under a council car park in Leicester. Worse still, the bloody hunchback is said to be an ancestor of Benedict Cumberbatch. How terribly upsetting!

Prince Harry

Prince Harry – The Party Prince

You didn’t think old carrot top would be left off the list did you? If there was a member of the royal family who was going to get caught butt naked in Las Vegas doing Michael Jackson impersonations it was going to be Prince Harry. Old flame head has an impressive pedigree when it comes to controversy. Shooting rabbits, smoking marijuana, killing buffalo, scuffles with photographers, and dressing up as a nazi when attending a “colonials and natives” themed party can now all be safely crossed off Harry’s “to do” list. What the party prince has up his sleeve next is anybody’s guess.

(Photo by Chris Jackson/Getty Images)