Caitlyn Jenner Contemplated Suicide While Going Through Gender Transition

Caitlyn Jenner appeared on the new HBO show Any Given Wednesday last night with host Bill Simmons and discussed a myriad of topics. Among those topics were winning the gold medal in the decathlon at the 1976 Olympic Games, politics, and Jenner’s transition from Bruce to Caitlyn and the struggles that went along with that change.

The interview began with Simmons asking Caitlyn about those Olympics and why Jenner decided to walk away from competing after winning the gold medal.

“I don’t think it’s a good lifestyle, when you’re that obsessed in one small area of your life called sports,” Jenner said. “There’s so much more to life.”

“I wanted to enjoy life,” Caitlyn added before revealing that she was dealing with a gender crisis even way back then. “I had other issues that I was dealing with, obviously.”

Caitlyn explained that she used sports to hide and emphasize the masculine part of her identity.

From there, Simmons transitioned the interview to politics and brought up an episode of I Am Cait from this past season where Jenner defended herself as a Republican to some of her friends. Then Simmons specifically asked Caitlyn if she is still a conservative.

“Of course I am,” Jenner said. “The Republican side, even though I’ve been very disappointed with them even over the last 10-20 years, has the best opportunity to bring this country back to what it was.”

Even still, Caitlyn has yet to throw her public support behind a presidential candidate for the 2016 election. At one point in time, Jenner was set to be Ted Cruz’s “trans ambassador” had the Texas senator won the Republican presidential nomination, but the two have since had a major disagreement over North Carolina’s controversial HB2 bill.

“The Republican Party has not been as good on LGBT issues and social issues,” Caitlyn Jenner admitted to Simmons.

Jenner went on to tell Simmons that she wants to educate the party on the “T” in LGBT.

Quite possibly the most shocking revelation of Caitlyn’s interview on Wednesday night was the fact that she revealed to Simmons that she very seriously considered suicide roughly six to nine months prior to coming out to the public.

A paparazzo had captured pictures of Jenner leaving the doctor’s office following surgery to have her Adam’s apple shaved in February 2014. Caitlyn was not prepared to reveal her transition, and she struggled to cope with what to do at home later that night.

“I could not sleep that night. I’m up at 3 a.m. walking up and down my hallway, thinking, Damn, all this s**t is going to come out tomorrow and it’s going to be horrible,” Jenner recounted. “And I said, ‘You know what? Easy way. Go in the other room. You got a gun. Let’s just end it right here.'”

“That’s, like, the easy way out. No more pain, no more nothing. I don’t have to deal with the tabloids any longer,” Caitlyn said. “I don’t have to deal with any of this. And that was probably the lowest I’ve ever gotten.”

The next morning, Jenner told Simmons that she went for a walk in her Malibu neighborhood and realized that suicide wasn’t the way to go.

“Wasn’t that, like, the stupidest thing you’ve ever done? I thought, What a terrible way to end your life’s story! I don’t want my story to end that way, on a negative note,” Caitlyn shared. “That was the beginning of me turning my thinking around to say, ‘OK, I think I can do this.'”

For a show that’s been struggling with ratings since its debut, Jenner’s interview was easily the most captivating for Simmons. To sit and listen to all that Caitlyn Jenner’s had to deal with in her life really just pulls at one’s heartstrings.

[Photo by Kevin Winter/Getty Images]