Cara Delevingne has opened up about her depression and how she coped with it in the last few years. In the September issue of Esquire, which features the model-turned-actress posing naked on the cover, Delevingne revealed that she lost her virginity at age 18 right after quitting anti-depressants, the Mirror reports. She started taking the pills at age 16 to help her cope with suicidal thoughts.
Instead of helping her deal with depression, the pills made the 23-year-old actress feel even worse. It was only after Cara ditched the pills when she was able to “feel things again.”
“That week, I lost my virginity, I got into fights, I cried, I laughed. It was the best thing in the world to feel things again.
“And I get depressed still, but I would rather learn to figure it out myself than be dependent on meds, ever.
“I hate meds. I don’t agree with them. It’s so easy to abuse them.”
Cara Delevingne photographed by Simon Emmett. For the September issue of UK Esquire. pic.twitter.com/lkgx5aEAHT
— Cara Daily Updates (@carasdaily) July 29, 2016
Miss Delevingne revealed that at the time, she felt burdened by the overwhelming pressure to do well in school and to make her parents feel proud. As a result, she felt that all she ever wanted was to “die,” and the only thing that stopped her from taking her life was the realization that she was lucky. That, however, made her feel more guilty and in turn made her feel even more miserable, like a vicious cycle she can’t escape.
“When it got to being a teenager, and all the hormones and the pressure and wanting to do well at school, I had a mental breakdown.
“I was suicidal. I couldn’t deal with it any more. I realised how lucky I was and privileged I was, but all I wanted to do was die.
“I felt so guilty because of that and hated myself because of that, and then it’s a cycle.
“I didn’t want to exist anymore. I wanted for each molecule of my body to disintegrate. I wanted to die.”
If there’s one thing that helped her deal with suicidal thoughts, it is her relationship with musician St Vincent, whom she’s been dating for the past 18 months. Delevingne also opened up about her past relationships with One Direction heartthrob Harry Styles, singer-songwriter Jake Bugg, actress Michelle Rodriguez, and actor Jack O’Connell.
Cara a talked about how her relationship with St Vincent helped her deal with her depression.
“This one feels different. When you find a real love you look back on the other loves you’ve had and you’re like, ‘Ooh, that was a bit destructive,” Cara said.
— Marie Claire (@marieclaire) August 2, 2016
The Paper Towns actress also revealed in the September issue of US Elle magazine that doing yoga has been instrumental in helping her deal with pain, as reported by Entertainment Tonight.
“For me, yoga’s the only way I can really feel things and check how I am. Because there is always pain somewhere, even if it’s completely irrational pain, and it’s always good to find it and get it out,” Delevingne said. “If I don’t cry pretty much every day I will hold it in, and it will manifest in me in things that are destructive, like my skin.”
Last night Delevingne appeared at the European premiere of the superhero flick Suicide Squad in Leicester Square, Central London, alongside co-stars Will Smith and Margot Robbie. She rocked an embroidered leather jacket, a lace knit dress, and a pair of thigh high boots.
— Warner Bros. UK (@WarnerBrosUK) August 3, 2016
The night before Cara was spotted partying with Johnny Depp’s estranged (and now-controversial) wife Amber Heard and her rumored new boyfriend, billionaire Elon Musk.
While Suicide Squad received mixed reviews, Cara Delevingne’s Enchantress and Margot Robbie’s Harley Quinn were some of the film’s highlights.
[Photo by Joel Ryan/AP Photo]