Getting your penis stolen with unfailing regularity is not good news, especially if you have been the poster boy of masculinity for thousands of years.
Unknown miscreants have been stealing the penis of a Hercules statue in France for quite some time now, and the situation has gotten so bad that the authorities have been forced to take a drastic step that can be “deeply wounding” to the esteem of any nude statue anywhere in the world.
A detachable penis.
Yes, Greek mythological hero Hercules’s statue in the French town of Arcachon is all set to get a detachable penis, which will be attached to the body of the statue only on special occasions, according to a report by the Local.
The rest of the time, when there is no special ceremony taking place, the detachable penis will be in the custody of local authorities for safekeeping.
The special penis will be a prosthetic device, the only feasible solution under the circumstances, Arcachon’s deputy mayor, Martine Phellipot, told the Local.
“We’ve chosen to give him [Hercules’s statue] a removable prosthesis that we can add to the statue before each ceremony. This is the best solution, otherwise you just end up constantly chasing after the anatomy of Hercules. It’s not the perfect solution because obviously men would prefer that part of their anatomy to be permanent and we understand it’s a little annoying for Hercules himself, but given our experience of seeing the organ removed as soon as it’s replaced, we think a detachable penis is for the best.”
The Hercules statue, located in the seaside town’s Parc Mauresque, has had penis problems for a long time.
Way back in the late-40s, not long after the statue’s installation in 1948, local ladies had taken umbrage at the size of Hercules’s manhood, and it had to be shortened to a respectable length by the sculptor, Claude Bouscau.
And this shortening happened not just once, but twice.
Quite ironic — and galling — for a Greek god with a reputation in the bedroom. If there had been an equivalent of Guinness Book of World Records in those mythical times, Hercules would definitely have been in it. His modest accomplishment: the record-breaking feat of sleeping with over four dozen women in a single night. (There is also a variation on this myth, with the number of nights being more than one.)
With such a bed-breaking background, it seems highly unfortunate that Hercules will be left without his manhood for long stretches of time.
Keeping that in mind, here are three alternate solutions that can be tried out to curb the menace of penis theft and restore the organ to its rightful position permanently.
1. Guarding the penis 24X7
This is the most obvious solution. It can be done in two ways. The authorities can hire guards to keep an eye on the penis all through the day and night, working in shifts. Or, the authorities can involve the local community, seeking volunteer citizens to act as guards on a pro bono basis.
2. CCTV cameras
Another obvious solution. These can be utilized in two ways. The CCTV cameras can be hidden in secret spots near the statue so that the penis vandals are caught in the act. Or, it can be advertised prominently that CCTV cameras are keeping a close watch on the Hercules statue – the message itself will act as a strong deterrent.
3. Embedded chip
This is a hi-tech solution, aimed at nabbing the mastermind behind the penis thefts and eradicating the scourge of penis thievery once and for all. This is how it will work. A location-tracking microchip can be embedded in the statue’s penis. Once the penis is stolen and smuggled out of the park, the authorities can track in real time where exactly it has gone to and who all have been attached to its trail. This can bring down the entire penis-stealing cabal in one stroke.
Can you think of any other way of nabbing the penis robbers and ending the misery of Hercules?
[Image via Shutterstock/Fernando Cortes]