Valentines Day: The Worst Gifts Imaginable (Or, How To Be Single The Day After Valentines Day)

Valentines Day is almost upon us. When it comes to Valentines Day celebrations, there seem to be several types of people: those who love Valentines Day and plan simple, romantic gestures for their significant other; those who loathe the very thought of the holiday and do their best to avoid it; and those rather clueless folks who know they should do something about Valentines Day (lest they get in trouble) but aren’t quite sure what that might be.

To remove all doubt, here are some of the worst Valentines Day gifts imaginable. Giving any of these to your partner is a surefire way of making sure you’ll be single the day after Valentines Day – unless you’re lucky enough to have a partner with an awesome sense of humor.

1. Undies For Two

The mind boggles as to how anyone could find these in any way sexy or romantic.

2. A Roach Named In Their Honor

Naming a star after someone is so 2011, so hop on board the latest craze and name a roach after your loved one instead. Refinery29 reports that The Bronx Zoo is offering people the chance to name one of the zoo’s Madagascar hissing cockroaches — and for only $10! What a bargain to win your sweetheart’s affections.

As they say, roaches make the heart beat faster.

3. Trump Valentine Conversation Hearts

These cute little candy hearts are the epitome of a sweet Valentine’s Day gift (for elementary school children, at least), so take a “Trump twist” and give your sweetheart a box of Trump Valentine conversation hearts. Highlights include “disgusting slob,” “you make me sick,” and “fat ugly loser.”

4. Dinner At McDonald’s

Nothing says true love like a Big Mac, so for the ultimate romantic Valentine’s Day dinner (or if you can’t get a reservation anywhere decent because you left it until 7 p.m. on Valentines day evening to start making phone calls) take your darling to McDonald’s. They certainly don’t look out of place dressed in their finery with an ad for a caramel McFlurry on one side and a disabled toilet sign on the other.

5. Nothing

A word of advice for the romantically clueless: if you ask your partner what they’d like for Valentine’s Day and they reply “nothing,” do not take them seriously. Actually getting them nothing (or in this case, paying good money for nothing) is a surefire way to make sure you’ll be single on February 15.

6. Arrange Their Funeral

You could be forgiven for thinking that getting someone nothing would be the worst Valentine’s Day present imaginable. But as it turns out, there is something worse – far worse. Arranging for your partner’s funeral is a fantastic way of expressing just how you see your shared future. After all, these days is not enough to take care of someone during their lifetime – you need to send them into the afterlife in style.

And as the ad says: “imagine how overwhelming arranging her funeral would be.” Overwhelming indeed.

What’s the worst Valentine’s Day gift you’ve ever received? Has anyone ever given you a Valentine’s Day gift that was so bad that you ended the relationship? Tell your story in the comments below.

[Photo by Nicoleta Ionescu / Shutterstock]