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Things I’ve Learned from The Hills: Season 4, Episode 1

Heading on 21+ hours later, I’ve still got The Hills on the brain. I’ll spare you the details of how many times I’ve streamed and dissected the episode and the live after-show (so you don’t make fun of me), but here’s what I’ve got stuck in my craw post-Hills:

1. Lauren “Lo” Bosworth’s asymmetrical bang-fringe is out of control. Her part is so far over it looks like half her head is shaved.

2. Heidi and Spencer need to break up. I know it’s not going to happen, but since when can your boyfriend/fiance insult your sister (Hair Extension Holly) and get away with it? Guts he’s got, good manners not so much.

3. Speaking of rudeness, how could Lo insult Audrina Patridge to her face and then look like the victim just because Audrina says something assertive (for once)? “We’ll never be friends”? OMG. Not everyone’s passive-aggressive all the time. And look! Lo’s still defending herself.

Click Through for More of What I’ve Learned. . .

4. Lauren Conrad is an awkward dater. Why else would she invite love interest Doug out to Audrina Patridge’s guaranteed-to-be-awkward party? Lauren’s life is drama-rife already; couldn’t she have spared him?

5. Heidi Montag’s fabulous quotes continue. Last season it was “Old Water Under the Bridge.” Now it’s “You are, like, Early Bird. We are Late Birds.” Less improv, please– I never thought that I’d call for scripted Heidi, but that’s what she needs.

6. Despite #5, I like Heidi Montag a lot more now. She’s still skipping out on work, but she did it for her sister’s arrival yesterday. I thought that she was too self-absorbed to care. But there she is, bonding with her sister and even inviting her to move in with her and flesh-beard (Spencer).

7. It’s not the end of Justin-Bobby, from the looks of Season 4 Episode 2+ trailer. I feel your pain.

8. I hope that Whitney Port doesn’t disappear in this season. Yes, she has a new boyfriend, but I hope this season isn’t Lauren and Whitney acting “busy” while standing up in what looks like a slightly uncomfortable work environment. More lunching, please!

No idea what I’m talking about? I recommend you watch the hot mess that was Season 4: Episode 1.