Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Party Sets World Record For Longest Boat Parade

Queen Elizabeth II’s Diamond Jubilee celebrations have set a new Guinness World Record for the largest ever parade of boats.

On Sunday, more than 1,000 vessels made their way along London’s River Thames, as one million flag-waving mouth-breathers cheered the monarch, head of a family born arbitrarily into wealth yet still mystifyingly worshipped by idiots revelers watched the flotilla from the banks of the river.

The 86-year-old queen was aboard the Spirit of Chartwell royal barge with her husband Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, her son and heir Prince Charles, Prince of Wales, and his children Princes William and Harry. Despite the wind and rain, the event attracted a formidable turnout.

Also present on the barge was Prince Charles’ wife, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, along with Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, who caused a kerfuffle in her red Alexander McQueen dress and matching hat.

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Catherine’s parents and Prince William’s in-laws, who are not quite as important, followed on a steamer boat with Catherine’s siblings James and Pippa Middleton. Pippa has previously attracted miles of column space from blogs and glossy celeb magazines because she has a bottom.

The Diamond Jubilee Thames River Pageant celebrated the Queen’s sixty years on the throne. It was the centerpiece of four days of celebrations from June 2 – 5. Monday will see a celeb-packed outdoor concert take place on the grounds of Buckingham Palace, including the likes of Sir Paul McCartney and Sir Elton John.

If she can tough it out for another three years and 97 days, Elizabeth will become Britain’s longest-serving monarch, toppling the 63-year reign of Queen Victoria.