Everyone knows Stewart as the soft-spoken, sophisticated DIY wizard with an empire to her name that rivals Bieber’s. But she’s also rather well known for being a jail bird; 10 years ago she spent five months at so-called “Camp Cupcake” prison in West Virginia.
And that apparently qualified the domestic goddess to dispense some sage wisdom about the slammer at Justin’s roast, USA Today reported. Warning – some of what you are about to read is quite shocking.
“The first think you’ll need is a shank. I made mine from a comb and a pack of gum. I’ll show you how later. It’s so simple. I found Bubblicious works best and it’s so much fun to say. You see, when I did my stretch, all the hood rats on my cell block wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart’s a-. I decided some b—- needed to be got. I walked into the chow hall, picked out the biggest bull d– and I stuck her. From then on, prison was easier than making blueberry scones.”
Of course, her lengthy roast was replete with the typical prison jokes – how Justin Bieber may have 60 million followers on Twitter, “but the only place people will be following you in prison will be into the shower.”
Stewart also gave Justin Bieber suggestions about how to update his ink.
“You have an owl on your arm and the word ‘patience’ on your neck. I would suggest the words ‘White power’ so you don’t look like some 14-year-old girl’s Trapper Keeper.”
Unfortunately for Martha, she was roasted herself before she got on stage, proving no one has forgotten about her time behind bars. Comedian Kevin Hart opened the event by asking her to turn off the monitoring bracelet on her ankle, lest it interrupt Bieber’s roast, added Hollywood Take.
Ludacris even got in on the game, poking fun at Stewart’s age; she’s half a century older than Justin.
“She’s so old if you look closely at the $100 bill you can see Martha photobombing Ben Franklin in the background.”
Which is why her offer to indulge in a romantic fling with the Bieber may have come as a rather disturbing surprise, and was the perfect note on which to end her epic roast.
“Settle down, bring some balance into your life. Find yourself the right gal. She’ll have to be very special. way. I’m talking about a player in the boardroom and a freak in the bedroom. So Justin, call me.”
No word yet on whether Bieber has accepted her proposal.
[Photo Courtesy YouTube screengrab]