Is Rob Gronkowski the new Christian Grey?
Not exactly, but the New England Patriots tight end (the sexiest football position) is the object of one woman’s obsession in a new erotic novel titled A Gronking To Remember, which recently became one of the most popular erotic novels in Amazon’s Kindle store. Unlike the Fifty Shades of Grey protagonist, Gronk doesn’t need any whips or chains to make his book’s Mary Sue say “Oh my!”
According to The Daily Beast, A Gronking to Remember is the brainchild of author Lacey Noonan. It tells the story of a sexually frustrated wife named Leigh who falls in lust with Rob Gronkowski after seeing him on TV. Her obsession with Gronk causes problems because her husband is a sad New York Jets fan who isn’t very good at sex (Leigh refers to one of his failures as a “butt fumble”). Below is an excerpt from the erotic novel that gives fantasy football a whole new meaning.
“I’ll never forget the first time I saw Gronk spike a football…. The unrivaled power of his touchdown dance: ‘The Gronk.’ It jettisoned jiggling ribbons of electric jelly through my body and melted my knees like two pads of margarine.”
Spoiler alert: most of the book is all about Leigh’s Gronk fantasies — she doesn’t spend the novel’s 38 pages actually hooking up with the NFL star. Instead, she practices a little self-love in naughty places like the library, and under a quilt on the couch while her husband and his buddies are watching the Patriots play on TV.
“What can I say? The sight of Gronk knocking over little defenders like toy soldiers sends erotic thrills up and down my spine.”
The book’s big climax comes when Leigh has an erotic encounter with one of Rob Gronkowski’s spiked balls.
During an interview with Boston.com, author Lacey Noonan (a pen name) talked about how her own life inspired A Gronking to Remember.
“The autobiographical elements are in there but they’re not as dramatic. You’ve got to crank up the drama. I’ve definitely been in tense situations with guys arguing about sports on TV and I’ve definitely masturbated in a garage. That about covers it.”
Noonan revealed that she started writing erotic novels after learning how much money Sasquatch erotica writers were making. According to the Toronto Sun, one such writer actually makes $30,000 a month penning stories about erotic encounters between human women and Bigfoot. Noonan wasn’t making any money writing sexy Sasquatch stories, so she chose a subject she was actually passionate about: Rob Gronkowski.
— Gray Hoodie (@grayhoodie) January 4, 2015
In case you’re wondering, Noonan’s husband knows about her Gronk crush and her budding fan fiction career.
“My husband knows. Some friends know. That’s about it. He actually helped with some of the finer football details in the Gronkalish book. But I am the heat commander. I control the boners.”
Rob Gronkowski is reportedly aware of the existence of the book, but he hasn’t read it yet. A Gronking to Remember definitely won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, but its hilarious Amazon reviews are worth checking out. You can read a few below.
“So whether you’re a New England housewife looking to spice things up, another closeted Pats fan looking for some good spank material (no judging), or Roger Goodell lying sleepless in a lonely New York hotel room again, this book has all the satisfying Gronking you’d ever want and need.”
“Years hence, as the human race crumbles and mere shreds of our cultural fabric remain for other beings to discover, I would feel confident in saying that A Gronking to Remember would do satisfactory justice to the artistic heights achieved during our collective time here.”
“I made my wife read this book and now we have footballs all over the bedroom.”
“Thought this was going to be about the hash browns at Dunkin’ Donuts. Disappointing!”
“While this was obviously ghost written by Wes Welker, it has all the showings of a true American classic.”
You can read part of the book’s official description below.
“If you read one book about Rob Gronkowski this year, make it ‘Growing Up Gronk.’ But if you read two books about Rob Gronkowski this year, make the second one ‘A Gronking to Remember!’ Warning: Contains some sexually graphic scenes as well as the misuse of American footballs.”
A Gronking to Remember isn’t the only erotic fan fiction about a real person to cause a stir. As the Inquisitr previously reported, author Anna Todd became an online sensation after penning After, a fan fic about pop star Harry Styles. Todd transformed the singer into an emotionally abusive alcoholic who won a bet to take a girl’s virginity. Oddly, One Direction fans and the deflowered girl both fell hard for this Bizarro version of Styles.
Unlike After and Fifty Shades of Grey, A Gronking to Remember doesn’t feature a moody, brooding sex god — it’s just about an all-American athlete who is really good at spiking footballs. Rob Gronkowski might just be the hero that the world of erotica needs right now.
[Image credit: Lacey Noonan via The Daily Beast]