Walmart Pepper Sprayer Turns Herself In, Shoppers Breathe Collective Sigh of Relief

Okay, America, you can take a deep breath.

The great criminal mastermind of the 2011 holiday season- a woman that pepper sprayed twenty people at a California Walmart in a video game buying frenzy dubbed amusingly by my colleague James as a “competitive shopping incident”– has surrendered to local authorities. (Can we also say at this point that California needs to lay off the weed and the pepper spray already?) The woman in question remained unidentified for an entire day, as the viral story traveled across the globe and embarrassed the hell out of us as a cautionary tale about American consumerism. Despite the presence of many pepper sprayed victims and surveillance video, the woman- who remains unidentified publicly- was at large for most of the day and through most of last night as news outlets ceaselessly covered the tale of “Black Friday violence.” One maced victim described the melee to press:

“People started screaming, pulling and pushing each other, and then the whole area filled up with pepper spray.”

Officer Bruce Borihahn confirmed to press that the woman in question turned herself in at around 8:30 pm local time last night at the LAPD Devonshire station, and that more details are to come pending charges. He said:

“The investigation is still ongoing… We have several victims and witnesses that need to be interviewed to determine what appropriate actions need to be taken.”

In a separate incident, riots broke out among an assembled group of people who apparently really, really effing love waffles. The availability of $2 waffle makers in Little Rock, Arkansas set off the already excited Black Friday crowd gathered in that store.