The Very Best Of Joan Rivers: ‘I Succeeded By Saying What Everyone Else Was Thinking’

Joan Rivers died this afternoon at age 81 after complications from throat surgery performed last week. And so today, we remember Rivers as the legendary comedienne and share her own words, words that startled us and made us laugh – which is exactly how Joan would have wanted to be remembered. Joan was sassy. She was blunt. She broke barriers and made people laugh and cringe in equal numbers…and sometimes at the same time. But whether you loved her or hated her, Joan Rivers was without equal.

Remember Joan as Joan, with lots of laughter and absolutely no mercy to anyone, even herself – maybe even especially so.

1. “People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”

2. “I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

3. “I succeeded by saying what everyone else was thinking.”

4. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”

5. “Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman…I met Harry Truman, but you know what I mean? Nobody’s interetsed. They want to know you met Rhianna.”

6. “Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is God’s gift. That’s why we call it the present.”

7. “I hate thin people: ‘Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?”

8. “I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.”

9. “I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive. Things are happening.”

10. “I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

11. “I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.'”

12. “At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!”

13. “Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.”

14. “I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.”

15. “I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”

16. “The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.”

17. “I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.”

18. “I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door—or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.”

Thanks for the lessons and the laughs, Joan Rivers. Our thoughts are with Joan’s family.

[Image via the Huffington Post]